Modern Heartbreak

Modern heartbreak is seeing your message was read at 3:15pm but it’s 9:09pm and you’ve still had no reply. You start drafting messages of what you want to say but begin to think is there any point. Checking their twitter and Snapchat to see if they’ve posted anything and in most cases they have. Then you’re left thinking that you should delete the persons number but if you do that you’ll never see their display picture change on whatsapp. They’ll never see the quotes you put up or the new profile picture you took, where you look stunning. Modern break up is the unfollowing and the blocking. Modern breakup is checking twitter favourites to see who’s pictures they liked and sometimes it even directs you to the new person in their life. Modern break up is going on Snapchat and seeing him out on a meal and all you can see is a female hand, you watch it over and over again hoping your eyes are deceiving you but they aren’t. Across from him is actually a female, that’s not you. That Snapchat battle of who can make each other jealous, which you know wont end well. That one story you posted, that’s nearly expired and they still haven’t watched it but has been posting all day. Modern break up is going through your camera roll and seeing old screenshots of when things were so good and you have to question yourself, asking yourself ‘what happened’. It’s the checking to see if the persons been online every couple hours. Modern heartbreak is unfollowing them but seeing them still pop up on your twitter feed and you know you’ll see something you don’t want to see if you go on their page but you go on it anyway. Modern heartbreak is messy and no matter how much you try to escape the person, somewhere somehow there’s always a reminder.

To Whom it may concern

I should of made you wait,  

I was meant too, 

and I did for as long as I can remember. 

You see I let you in to my world but that wasn’t enough for you,

Pouring myself out until I was naked 

but

you wanted to be let in somewhere else. 

Let’s get this right though, 

Cause I remember telling you to wait, 

and you didn’t understand why, 

Something I could relate too 

because I didn’t understand why I’d have to wait hours for a reply. 

I’d open up to you and tell you how I feel,

then you’d push me away and say you got a headache 

but that headache always seemed to disappear when I was screaming your name.

Crazy that the only time I could moan 

was when it was your name.

Silly me – I lit myself on fire to make sure you was warm, 

then you wondered why I was burning and the flames seem to bother you.

How ironic. 

You told me you never really got feelings 

and wasn’t looking for a relationship,

but you seemed to want all of the perks of being one. 

I gave you it all and more,

No title involved.

I gave you that feeling 

and it might of not been in the right place

but it was enough to keep you running back. 

You’d have me round Friday night 

because your friends were all with their girlfriends,

but dawn would past 

And I wasn’t even good enough to receive a good morning text.

I wasn’t good enough to be taken out in public,

but in private you was all over me. 

It’s weird cause I loved the chase, 

but it’s like every time I got closer to you,

you’d push me away, 

as if I was some sort of disease.

I should of really ran away from you but you was a temporary distraction. 

The amount of people that desired what you had,

but I chose you,

wasted time,

energy,

feelings, 

and undeserved pain

I guess me letting your cold body touch mine only made me cold.

I Should of made you wait.

Like I was waiting 

waiting for you
 soo long that I no longer know what I am waiting for..

I suppose I just wanted you to be the person that I see in you.

but maybe my sight was unclear and I was seeing wrong.

I never loved with open arms before,

but I did with you. 

And you needed me so much, 

I stopped giving to myself.

but your pride would allow you to do without me,

if that meant you didn’t crumble,

but i guess it was okay for me to do it for you.

I waited, I did. 

Because even though you acted like you don’t need anyone,

I saw the serenity in your body language when we lay together, 

and you wanted it like I did. 

then when I wasn’t there you lived without me,

cause you are so used to going without, 

Or people leaving you 

That was never my intention. 

Your pride won’t let you say.

Or maybe I’m just seeing things I want to see.

I think hope was the reason I stayed.

no longer can I hold myself back

I can’t keep painting a beautiful image over all your excuses. 

How can you chose me, when I don’t even pick me? 

Here I was

Taking a bullet for someone who was wearing a bullet proof vest – this is exactly how I loved too hard.

Here I was trying to protect someone who didn’t need protecting. 

I should of made you wait the same way I waited. 

Just for you to be for me, what I was to you.

I waited, but today I stopped.

I Stayed

I should of guessed by the way you’d rush to leave because your mum was coming home, that you wasn’t right for me.

I stayed anyway because I thought I needed you.

I stayed even when the little things you did irritated me like telling me you wanted to go to the movies but picked me up only to go to somewhere dark so we could have car sex.

I stayed at yours one night because your mum was away and you wanted someone to cuddle but halfway through the night, you started touching my thigh because ‘you couldn’t help yourself’.

I statyed even when you’d ignore my texts and not reply for a few days.

I stayed with you even after the bruises you left on my thighs and necks because you didn’t see the difference between rough and abuse. Normally you’d laugh it off and tell me I was fine anyway.

The worst part is I’m not even the one that walked away, it was you. You left me. I probably would have stayed as long as I could because you made me think it was love. It wasn’t love, it was a sick, twisted manipulated situation. It was torture so thank you for finally doing something for me and that’s leaving.

You didn’t say anything

I wanted to open up to you,

I know it sounds trivial but let me explain

I wanted to let you see all of me

I lay beside you naked, vulnerable

I wanted to tell you about me.

I wanted you to look in my eyes

and I wanted you to ask me questions about my past,

my family

my fears

and everything someone with genuine interest would ask.

I wanted you to listen.

I wanted you to get to know the real me.

but instead you took advantage of me being vulnerable,

you saw me as a desire

and you looked at me in lust.

You didn’t ask about my past,

my family

or fears

you didn’t say anything,

anything at all.

 

Why can’t I forget

I still remember how you pursued me and how you convinced me that I was the first person you really had proper feelings for since your last, you told me you feared being attached but you could feel yourself falling for me. Then you disappeared for a week, I didn’t know if it was over or if I was just overthinking things. 2 weeks went and you finally reached out and told me you really cared for me but you thought I deserved more than you, that excuse has never made sense to me and it confused me more when a few weeks went and there was this new person on the scene. I just didn’t get how she deserved you more than I did? It just didn’t make sense to me, I deserved a better excuse than ‘You deserve better than me’. How do you know what I deserve? Didn’t you think I deserved to be get the effort and love back,that I gave to you. I deserved to have what i want and what I wanted was you. It may have sounded good in your head but to me it just sounded like ‘I don’t care enough to do better for you’. I deserved better than a ‘you deserve better’ excuse. I remember that day I walked away telling myself I was done I wasn’t going to chase you for anything else especially a heart I thought you had. Months went by and you messaged me, you told me how sorry you was and that you wanted to start over. I remember replying –

you cant just come back to see what you’re missing just because you miss the times I needed you to put be back together. You ruined all these parts of me and I had to put them back together and now you come back like I’m an art piece you have too see. I can’t afford to go through that again

but it was you and I don’t even know how you was able to convince me to come back, its as though I forgot how hard it was to put myself back together. I remember we argued one night and I was yelling about how quick you was too replace me. I told you I felt like I was not good enough. You responded by hugging me tight and telling me I was good enough and you pleaded me to forgive you, telling me you messed up and you was sorry. You told me about your last heartbreak and how much it killed you that you could never go through it again, you made me promise that I would never do the same to you. I promised that I wouldn’t and you knew I always kept to my word, but I should of made you promise me the same too because a months went by and things began to change again, you began to distance yourself. I told you things felt like they was changing, you told me that you didn’t want this anymore, You thought you did but you didn’t. You told me that I was a distraction at one point, but I was starting to become baggage that just began to weigh you down. Again I broke and I was left pick up all the pieces and the only one I could blame is myself.  I started to understand why you took so long to respond when I said ‘I love you’ and it began to make sense as to why you you’d sigh when I use to say little things just to gain reassurance and how fucking convenient is it that I’m the only one that can’t seem to forget it all.

Letter To My Ex

I hate you for making it hard for me to fall in love with somebody else, you left me hanging, ruined my whole trust and now every person that comes along, just reminds me of how you treated me and makes me not want to let anyone in. I’m reluctant to let down these walls, I meet people and as soon as I start to feel as though Im getting attached, I run off. No matter how good  the person maybe.
I hate you for every time my friends had to pick me up and take me somewhere just to get my mind off things. All the times I woke up at dumb hours of the night calling them because I needed to vent. I hate you for my friends for being able to actually tell me ‘I told you so’.
I hate you for the brusies . You never hit me but you did just as bad. You left a scar and I feel as though its never going to heal.
I hate you for the time I hugged my mum and she told me she hates seeing me like this. I think she realised her little girl was no longer the same. I hate you for all the shoulders you made cry on and the fact none of them was ever yours
I hate you for not giving me the love and respect i deserved and made the words ‘I love you’ difficult to leave my mouth
I hate the fact that everywhere I walk I can never get rid of your scent.
I hate you for everything you put me through.
And I just want to let you know, that the bridge is burnt so no matter if you come to realise that you’ll never find anyone that loved you like i did, it will be too late. The bridge is burnt now and I promise we will never cross paths again.

I often ask myself

How many times are you going to leave your heart at abandoned buildings? When did he stop calling? Why did things changed? Do you think he stopped loving you when he realised you had enough love for the both of you? Did he think you wouldn’t break or did he expect you to pick up your own pieces? Maybe he realised you didn’t have a lot of pieces after giving him so many. Sometimes you break before you fall maybe he didn’t realise you was already broken. Do you remember the way his lips formed when he made promises? What made you trust him? Or did you not trust him but wanted too ? I bet you hoped things would get back to normal ? But what is normal to you? Maybe normal is the way things are now, maybe the kisses, the hugs and phone calls that lasted hours was just a phase. Maybe the reason why you stayed so long is because you thought everything he’s doing now is just a phase? Did you even notice how much he became distant ? Of course you did because you asked him what changed and he ignored. Love is supposed to be beautiful, this is not love. You could tell he was heartless, so what made you trust him with yours?

I’m Sorry

img_8202
Dear You,
I remember being scared to let you in because I knew it would be you that I fell for and even though I fell in love with you, there’s mistakes I made that i didn’t realise i made until you left. See it took you leaving and many nights overthinking till 4am, Sleeping, waking up, Overthinking again, but i get it now. I get why you left and didn’t listen to the excuses why I was not doing right by you, you heard them all before, guess you got bored of watching me stutter as i tried to make up a new reason I couldn’t help my selfish ways.
Im Sorry that when you left, I slammed the door behind you and acted like I didn’t care. I’m Sorry for not being able to see how lucky I was when I had you. I’m just Sorry for not loving you the way you deserved to be loved. I am Sorry for not being the person that you needed, even though I know I could have been if i wasn’t so inconsiderate, and took my time to fix what needed to be fixed. I am Sorry I was only thinking about myself soo much that I stopped thinking of ways to ensure you was happy. I am Sorry that I only started trying as soon as you stopped. I am Sorry I started trying when we both know it was too late. I am Sorry we could never stop hurting each other long enough to prove the truth in every ‘I love you’ we mouthed. I am Sorry my actions never matched the volume of my words. I am Sorry I kept pushing you away even when you continually told me ‘The last thing i want to do is leave you but you just keep pushing me away and I don’t know what to do anymore’. I am Sorry you had to use someone else to fill my void. I am Sorry for the nights you stayed up thinking of reasons why you should stay, I am Sorry that as days went by those reasons lessened. I am Sorry I wasn’t there for when you needed me to be there. I am Sorry I ignored the fact that something was wrong even though I could see the pain in your eyes. I am Sorry you tried your hardest to stay and I am Sorry I  would always respond by shouting the names of people that told me that the would stay but didn’t. I am Sorry you had to tell your whole family that we broke up. I am Sorry that I took out all my past issues on you. I Could write pages about all the things I am Sorry for. Sorry for the constant abandonment and all the nights you went to bed mad. I just couldn’t see where my life was going because I was so caught up in trying not to get hurt, that I only ended up hurting you. I am Sorry I lost the strength to fight for our relationship as soon as I lost my temper. I am Sorry I lost sight of you and the beautiful things we could of built, but I’m done apologising now. I am not Sorry for the time I spent with you. I am not Sorry for how many days we spent doing nothing just laying in bed talking. I am not Sorry for all the money we spent going over our phone bills because we never wanted them to ended. I am not Sorry for all the love we made. I am not Sorry for the ungodly hours we stayed up watching movies and eat junk food. I am not Sorry for letting you in and I’ll never be Sorry for falling in love with you. I am not Sorry for the wasted time, because time never mattered until time was up with you. I hate the fact that everything I am not Sorry for came to an end the day we said are goodbyes, Sorry.

When Pt2

Part 1 here – When Pt1

But I guess I should of guessed,
You stopped loving me awhile ago.
Because it’s been months since you sent me a morning text.
I thought we was making love last time I saw you,
but the look in your eyes wasn’t the same as before.
The glare wasn’t the same
The kisses lessened,
The way you held me wasn’t the same.
I should of known because all the signs were before me.
I’ll message you 2:34pm and I was lucky if I got a reply.
I should of guessed because before 2:36pm wouldn’t pass without your name popping up in my notification bar.

I couldn’t even say I’ve been ‘alright’ without you worrying what happened and why was it just ‘alright’. Alright was never enough for you.
Now even when I told you I weren’t okay or that needed someone to talk to all you would say is ‘I’m too tired, talk to you later’.

I Just should of know when you stopped trying.
When we made plans and never shown up, but I checked your social media and you was out drinking with your friends.
Before you’d rather have just stayed in and watched a movies with me.
I guess you got bored of movies, I guess you found comfort in the loud music and hundred girls that surrounded you every night. I guess my chest was no longer your home.
I guess my love was no longer enough..

I said ‘when’ , when really I should of said ‘I know’ because I knew. I remember sitting across the table from you a few months ago and you must of sensed that I wasn’t listening to you so you asked me what was wrong. I said ‘I don’t feel myself’ and you replied ‘babe, everything will be okay I promise’ and kissed the back of my hand. It’s crazy how much times I’ve replied to that question with the same answer but I guess you got bored because last month was so different, I sat beside you at the dinner table and you was talking again, you paused as you asked me a question and i had no clue what you asked. ‘Sorry, my mind was somewhere else’ I Responded coming back to earth. He sighed ‘not feeling yourself again?’ I nodded as I looked down in shame, I could tell you was fed up by your voice. I could tell by the way the silence filled the car that night.

I knew.
I saw all the signs.
I just didn’t want to believe it.
but my gut feeling never fails me.
I’m just soo good with words I could easily convince myself everything was okay when it wasn’t.

And as I walked out your house and the door slammed behind me, I realised I don’t know where the old me went, what the old me was like or which road I left her on so i could retrace my steps so I could find her again. I just didn’t know who I was anymore other than someone you no longer had the strength to love.

But I guess its my fault,

Because you was lost when i found you.

That was probably where i messed up.

I helped you find yourself but only lost myself in the process.

Losing her

img_8102

You think she’s gone and yea, you’re right but you’re also wrong, you haven’t even lost her yet.
You won’t lose her until months go past and she rarely crosses your mind but you come across a picture of her, smiling, arms wrapped around someone else. She genuinely looks happy and you start to remember the sound of her laugh.
you won’t lose her until you see her in your dreams and it feels soo real you wake up thinking she’s beside you but it’s really this unfamiliar girl, you used to fill her void. You begin to remember what it was like to wake up to her and how she used to wake up 3am just to kiss you and go back to sleep, now you begin to miss it. That’s when you’ll realise you’ve lost her.
when you see her on the street, she walks up to you and says hi, the conversation leads up to the plans she had and how’s she achieved some, you remember how you said you’ll be by her side as she chased her dreams but you weren’t. She’ll have this beautiful glow and you ask her how’s her boyfriend with hope that they’ve broken up but her face lights up even more as she tells you ‘he’s great’. She’ll say his name with such pride like she used to with yours, that’s when you’ll realise you lost her
When’s it’s 3:30am and you can’t sleep because there’s so much going on in your mind and you need to speak to her, tell you everything is okay but you also remember it’s not your place anymore. You’ll remember all the times you vented to her and how fast she came to your house just to cuddle you. Then you’ll begin to think about her and her new boyfriend. Are they spooning, is he laying on her or is she laying on him, what they’re having conversations about. Does she wake up to kiss him like she did with you or if she says the same thing she used to say to you. Does she love him ? Maybe even more than she loved you. Does she make the sad face when he left, the way she did with you. You remember the sad face she had the day you left her, this time it was different though. You remember the water that gathered at the brink of her bottom eyelid, her eyes being blood shot red. You remember the hurt, the messages she sent you and the last one saying-
‘It’s funny because I actually trusted you but you know what I’m done ‘ – that’s when you’ll realise you lost her
You’ll lose her again when you randomly message her ‘hope your okay’ at 3pm and she replies near midnight saying ‘sorry, who is this’ and you tell her your name, she replies ‘oh, yea im great thanks’ without adding ‘you’. You wait for the ‘you’ to come but it doesn’t, that’s when you’ll realise you lost her.
When you look through old messages of her and you see a message of her saying ‘I want to let you in, I’m just scared too’ and you realise how she did and how bad you hurt her. Guilt will build up within you. You remember how many times she fought to keep you. You remember everything she’s been through and the night she told you, the same night you told her ‘I promise you, I would never hurt you’ and how you didn’t stay true to your word.
She’s gone, you’re just an old memory in her mind, one that she probably tried soo hard to forget and you’ll regret losing her but it’s too late you lost her and you will lose her repeatedly, over and over again