My friend, you are surviving.

You only really liked your naked body, when he was touching it. You only began to love yourself when he loved you and since he left you forgot how to. You look in the mirror and you barely notice yourself. You begin to play yourself. The 5 songs that you tried soo hard to avoid because of the feeling it gives you. Them songs have now become the songs on repeat. You look through old messages that you should of deleted and now you’re just reminiscing. Your scars reopen and you’re broken again. You’ve gotten yourself through the past few months by using things and people you think you need, but none of that can you distract you anymore. You need to accept, he’s not coming back. The sound of his voice you will eventually forget and his fingerprints will leave your body. All the memories will fade along with the pain. I know it hurts even worse because he’s the only one you’ve opened your palms too, so he could read your past through the creases in them. You let him in and he destroyed you. You’re more stronger than he thought and he thought he could break you down, but he couldn’t have his way with you. That’s strength. Today you may listen to them 5 songs over and over again, you’ll cry but remember tomorrow you will stand again. Even if you don’t, it’s okay because you’re allowed to be upset. You’re allowed to feel hurt. The human mind is not wired to deal with a heart break. It just knows how to survive. And look here you are, surviving ❤

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Feels.

I feel like no matter what I do or what I accomplish,
I am never going to find whatever it is I’m missing.
Or maybe I will find it, the answer is just when?

I think it maybe a type of freedom I’m looking for,

but I still can’t find it despite the fact I’m no longer underneath my parents control.

I can’t find it when I’m drunk. 

I dunno what type of out I need but I feel like nothing will be able to give it to me.
I feel like I’m not living life how I should be,

there’s so much others would of accomplished if they were still here living.

My life isn’t some hell on earth

and I don’t mean to portray it like so.

I just don’t understand why things are so difficult for me,

Or maybe I’m making it difficult myself.
Sometimes I feel as though I don’t belong,

Not in a suicidal way. 

I just sometimes don’t feel like I’m using it to its full potential, like I’m wasting it. 

I know I am in fact but I also know I’ve done things to try prevent it but yet sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in it.
I’m so confused, anxious and overwhelmed about nothing but everything. 

I can’t think of a reason but I could list many.

I cant understand myself and why I feel this way. 

I feel numb in a certain type of sadness but I also feel numb when I’m not sad at all. 

It’s true that if you become one thing for so long, you don’t know how to be anything else.
I know how to be happy within a mood but I don’t know how to be happy.

I know how to laugh and actually mean it but I don’t know how to spend the rest of my life this way.
And I know it’s wrong for me to find an reason for everything but that’s what I do. 

and when I can’t figure out a reason, I assume they’re my fault. 

I blame myself for things that are completely out of my control.

I’m sensitive I take things so harsh and personally.

I hate this about myself but what can I do, I can’t stop it.

I’m really tired or being tired and I know that cliche but it’s true, I’m always exhausted.

Maybe it’s because my rooms always dark and I always stay in there.

I don’t know sometimes I feel like I’m putting all this on myself,

but if that’s the case wouldn’t I be able to stop it?

Letter to myself.

I’m sorry it got bad when it was already awful. I don’t know why I let you hold more weight than you can hold, knowing you was already drained and couldn’t bare to lift any of it . I should of never let you cry your self to sleep over people who left because they never knew your worth. I should have reminded you. I don’t know why I even allowed you to settle for someone who continually hurt you and made you believe it was love, as if you couldn’t find better. You’re worth loving, you deserve love. You are loved. You deserve the world. I apologise for allowing people to keep taking from you, when they gave you nothing but disappointment and lies, why I never told you go with your gut feelings, I dunno. I don’t know why I allowed you to blame yourself, knowing you had earthquakes for hands and a heart that beat too loud for something that small. I’m sorry for the days I cared about how you looked in the mirror when you was ill and fighting a battle for me. I wish I would of protected you, from people, viruses and also myself. I’m sorry Depression knocked and I let her in, knowing how weak you was from her last visit. I guess when we built up this wall, we forgot to lock her out. I wish I would of told you -‘this is not the answer’ as you went to the shop to buy alcohol. We already knew the answer wasn’t at the bottom of any of those bottles. I know it got bad, I know you got scared at times. I know you didn’t care if the next day came or not but I’m so proud you’re here today. I’m sorry I made you overthink the simple things instead of letting you enjoy them. I let you question yourself way too much this year but I never meant to. I let you fly but held you back from touching the stars, I promise from today I’ll let go. I promise that from this year forward I’ll give you the strength each day to get out of bed. I will stop making you tolerate anyone or things less than you deserve. You are smart. You are special. You are beautiful. You are essential. I will remember to love you, love you with every ounce of light in me, even when it gets dark. 

I’m sorry it got bad every time it got better but I promise you, one day you’ll achieve everything you’ve been fighting for. I promise as we go into this new year that I’ll cloak you with the love they did not take. I promise you, one day you will wake up and it will all be sooo beautiful.

Missing Person

I grew up believing that I was born with something broken inside of me, something that my mother tried soo hard to fix that she forgot to fix herself.

I wonder if the doctors realised my shoulders was too weak to bare the weight of absence.

I used to tell myself that’s why he’s not around.

That one day he realised I wouldn’t be able to handle losing love so he left before becoming that loss.

I wonder if he would have still left if he knew that over twenty years down the line, the weight of his absence would still be so heavy. That the only way to lighten the hurt would be to distance myself from the person I was becoming without him.

I think my mum thought that if she told me she loves me enough times, she could try to replace the love I was missing, she tried. I mean she really did, but it just didn’t work. I know she thought she had enough love for the both of us but it never filled the absence. When a parent is absent by choice, there’s always going to be something missing. Questions unanswered.

I don’t even know what my father looks like, but my mum has told me several times I look just like him. That part of his face found a home on mine and sometimes she won’t look at me, and I wonder if it’s because every time she looks at me, I just remind her of the person that broke her heart?

Who knows..

And for a long while I’d search his name in the search bar on Google, because all I wanted to do was show him the scars on my knees from learning how to ride a bike all by myself.

One day I am going to let him know, the only thing he gave to me was the inability to trust.

One day I going to tell him, that all the lessons that he was meant to teach me about boys I had to learn myself.

I wonder if he would even look into my eyes because he’d only be staring into the eyes of his own and know that he is the reason why they are soo empty.

Even though it’s been years, I always seem make excuses for him, like maybe he never called because it slipped his mind. Plus who else would I have gotten my  poor memory from because I knew it wasn’t from my mum, my mother remembered everything.

They say you can’t miss someone you never met and I’m living proof that’s a lie because Its been over twenty years and I still think I can feel my fathers hand holding mine.

I still have the cards I made you from nursery up until I was 8. I think I was 8 when I finally realised you probably would never show up to receive your Father’s Day card, Christmas card or anything I made for you.

I realised that some people are lucky to live with both parents and some children have two houses as their parents split but both parents was a big part of their child’s life.

Then there was me, the unlucky one. One Parent and One House.

I just wish he would of shown up to at least ONE of my birthdays. I grew up saying my fathers name as I blew out the candles that were never lit by him.

I grew up thinking that he wasn’t there to see my first breath because It would be hard for him to stick to the plan. The plan to save me from a loss that’s too great for me to hold. I told myself he couldn’t bear to watch his daughter grow up, knowing that some day his time would come he’d have to leave and it would ruin me.

I told myself he was a good man.

I told myself he didn’t want to be a part of my life if he couldn’t witness all of it.

I told myself that some men just don’t know how to be fathers,

I told myself that until I found out he had another daughter.

You know how the small the world is,  my mum ran into someone in the grocery store who then told my mum my father just had his third child.

Third?

I didn’t know how to take it.

I began to envy them because they’ll never have to learn how to ride a bike by themselves, blow out candles and wish for him to return. They won’t have the long term issues like – Do you know how hard it is to let someone love you when the person who’s meant to wouldn’t?

It’s soo hard to love someone when the person you loved, didn’t want it.

I can’t wait for the day I meet this man.

One day I’ll introduce myself and tell him I have met him in every person I have loved and watched leave.

One day I’ll face him,

but for now I’ll just go on his Facebook that I finally found and look through pictures,

With him, his 3 kids and wife

and wonder how come he loved them but never loved me.

You are Gold.

You act as though it doesn’t hurt but somewhere underneath the surface I know that you do. I know sometimes you sit down and think about all the people that have left and start to think of reasons why they didn’t stay about but it’s not your fault. You’re probably sitting here reading this with a heavy heart, but pain is only temporary. You feel hurt, you feel angry, you feel neglected and taken for granted. Even through all this, you still find it in you to smile and that’s strength. It’s okay to feel weak, it’s okay to break down and cry. It’s okay to feel how you are feeling right now. You thought you couldn’t live without them, I know. But the day will come when you will piece yourself together, maybe not now but gradually. Yes they left you hurt, but you’re alive. You will overcome it, I promise.
I think we all make the mistake of trying to get someone to fill our void when we feel empty, but no one can make you better. I mean they might be able to help you for a period of time, sure but people can only encourage you to be a better version of the person you already are. We need to fill ourselves, its not easy but we need to stop expecting people to make us feel whole. You can’t hold someone to that unattainable expectations, its unfair on the both of you and will only make you feel worse when they leave. Just because that person made you feel something other than empty, doesn’t mean that they have filled you. No one can fill you but yourself.

Nothing in this world is better to fill your existence than yourself.
People will come and go, stop accepting and settling for less than you deserve from people who are clearly colourblind. You my friend are gold, never forget that.

Thank You

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So here we are, humans. Our parents told us to be whoever we want to be. They tell us to find ourselves and treat people how we would like to be treated. They tell us to say ‘please’ when we want something and say ‘Thank you’ when people do things such as, open the door for us. So here I am, travelling through life doing what I want taught to do, live my life and be myself. I walk around smiling even when I’m not happy, I try to live my life to the fullest because at the end of the day I’m still alive. Some people may find it weird, that no matter what I’m always happy. I love being free. Every step I take I am moving on in life and its so short but beautiful, but also sometimes hard. But never forget we’re alive. Our path is always taking us somewhere, even if its a dead end. We walk at our own speed, we don’t need signs to tell us how fast we can or can’t go because we are all going at our own pace. Not every dead end road is a bad thing and sometimes your greatest ideas come at a red light. I never want to stop moving. I never want to turn around and go back because the past will always look more wonderful then the present when it is the only thing you think about but once you start to think about the present and the future, without looking back, things start happening. You can’t move forward, when all you think about is the past. The past cannot be changed. A lot of us are lucky we have friends and family that have never left us because people leave all the time. Some of us have heard all the ‘I’m leaving you’ speeches and I’m sorry to all the people who had people leave them without saying goodbye. Leaving should never be done in silence but it happens and you’ll probably always have memories of them. How many times are you going to sit down and ponder on reasons why they could have left? Let go because people do leave and it doesn’t get any easier but we have to move on, for ourselves. We cannot keep holding ourselves back in the past when we have a future to look forward too. I was taught to say ‘Thank you’ when someone opens the door for us but this is me sincerely thanking you for closing the door behind me.

Please, Just Listen.

I really don’t like how people have a way of making other people feel as though their problems aren’t valid just because their situation isn’t as bad as others and make that person not want to talk about what they’re going through, because they’re scared someone will belittle their problem but look at it in another light ; when a child falls off their bike and they cry because its probably the worst pain they ever felt, but if you got scrape, you’d just brush it off  because its not that painful right? You cant tell that child that their pain is invalid because it doesn’t hurt that bad to you. Same with problems, that could be the worst thing they’ve ever been through. So what makes you think you can tell them they aren’t allowed to feel that way because other people have been through worse? Some people are stronger than others, so stop comparing one persons pain to another persons pain, even if you know someone that may be going through a worse time, don’t compare them because everyone’s pain threshold is different, some people think tattoos are painful, some don’t. Don’t ever think its okay to tell someone ‘Is that what your upset about, do you know how much people go through worse, you’ll get over it’ because that’s the issue, too many people are scared to speak up about their problems because people act like its not ‘a big deal’ in their eyes. So they don’t speak up, they just keep it to themselves even though it may be killing them inside, they end up suffering in silence. Just listen, no matter how small the problem may seem to YOU, to THEM it might be the most painful situation they’ve ever faced.