Missing Person

I grew up believing that I was born with something broken inside of me, something that my mother tried soo hard to fix that she forgot to fix herself.

I wonder if the doctors realised my shoulders was too weak to bare the weight of absence.

I used to tell myself that’s why he’s not around.

That one day he realised I wouldn’t be able to handle losing love so he left before becoming that loss.

I wonder if he would have still left if he knew that over twenty years down the line, the weight of his absence would still be so heavy. That the only way to lighten the hurt would be to distance myself from the person I was becoming without him.

I think my mum thought that if she told me she loves me enough times, she could try to replace the love I was missing, she tried. I mean she really did, but it just didn’t work. I know she thought she had enough love for the both of us but it never filled the absence. When a parent is absent by choice, there’s always going to be something missing. Questions unanswered.

I don’t even know what my father looks like, but my mum has told me several times I look just like him. That part of his face found a home on mine and sometimes she won’t look at me, and I wonder if it’s because every time she looks at me, I just remind her of the person that broke her heart?

Who knows..

And for a long while I’d search his name in the search bar on Google, because all I wanted to do was show him the scars on my knees from learning how to ride a bike all by myself.

One day I am going to let him know, the only thing he gave to me was the inability to trust.

One day I going to tell him, that all the lessons that he was meant to teach me about boys I had to learn myself.

I wonder if he would even look into my eyes because he’d only be staring into the eyes of his own and know that he is the reason why they are soo empty.

Even though it’s been years, I always seem make excuses for him, like maybe he never called because it slipped his mind. Plus who else would I have gotten my  poor memory from because I knew it wasn’t from my mum, my mother remembered everything.

They say you can’t miss someone you never met and I’m living proof that’s a lie because Its been over twenty years and I still think I can feel my fathers hand holding mine.

I still have the cards I made you from nursery up until I was 8. I think I was 8 when I finally realised you probably would never show up to receive your Father’s Day card, Christmas card or anything I made for you.

I realised that some people are lucky to live with both parents and some children have two houses as their parents split but both parents was a big part of their child’s life.

Then there was me, the unlucky one. One Parent and One House.

I just wish he would of shown up to at least ONE of my birthdays. I grew up saying my fathers name as I blew out the candles that were never lit by him.

I grew up thinking that he wasn’t there to see my first breath because It would be hard for him to stick to the plan. The plan to save me from a loss that’s too great for me to hold. I told myself he couldn’t bear to watch his daughter grow up, knowing that some day his time would come he’d have to leave and it would ruin me.

I told myself he was a good man.

I told myself he didn’t want to be a part of my life if he couldn’t witness all of it.

I told myself that some men just don’t know how to be fathers,

I told myself that until I found out he had another daughter.

You know how the small the world is,  my mum ran into someone in the grocery store who then told my mum my father just had his third child.

Third?

I didn’t know how to take it.

I began to envy them because they’ll never have to learn how to ride a bike by themselves, blow out candles and wish for him to return. They won’t have the long term issues like – Do you know how hard it is to let someone love you when the person who’s meant to wouldn’t?

It’s soo hard to love someone when the person you loved, didn’t want it.

I can’t wait for the day I meet this man.

One day I’ll introduce myself and tell him I have met him in every person I have loved and watched leave.

One day I’ll face him,

but for now I’ll just go on his Facebook that I finally found and look through pictures,

With him, his 3 kids and wife

and wonder how come he loved them but never loved me.

When Pt2

Part 1 here – When Pt1

But I guess I should of guessed,
You stopped loving me awhile ago.
Because it’s been months since you sent me a morning text.
I thought we was making love last time I saw you,
but the look in your eyes wasn’t the same as before.
The glare wasn’t the same
The kisses lessened,
The way you held me wasn’t the same.
I should of known because all the signs were before me.
I’ll message you 2:34pm and I was lucky if I got a reply.
I should of guessed because before 2:36pm wouldn’t pass without your name popping up in my notification bar.

I couldn’t even say I’ve been ‘alright’ without you worrying what happened and why was it just ‘alright’. Alright was never enough for you.
Now even when I told you I weren’t okay or that needed someone to talk to all you would say is ‘I’m too tired, talk to you later’.

I Just should of know when you stopped trying.
When we made plans and never shown up, but I checked your social media and you was out drinking with your friends.
Before you’d rather have just stayed in and watched a movies with me.
I guess you got bored of movies, I guess you found comfort in the loud music and hundred girls that surrounded you every night. I guess my chest was no longer your home.
I guess my love was no longer enough..

I said ‘when’ , when really I should of said ‘I know’ because I knew. I remember sitting across the table from you a few months ago and you must of sensed that I wasn’t listening to you so you asked me what was wrong. I said ‘I don’t feel myself’ and you replied ‘babe, everything will be okay I promise’ and kissed the back of my hand. It’s crazy how much times I’ve replied to that question with the same answer but I guess you got bored because last month was so different, I sat beside you at the dinner table and you was talking again, you paused as you asked me a question and i had no clue what you asked. ‘Sorry, my mind was somewhere else’ I Responded coming back to earth. He sighed ‘not feeling yourself again?’ I nodded as I looked down in shame, I could tell you was fed up by your voice. I could tell by the way the silence filled the car that night.

I knew.
I saw all the signs.
I just didn’t want to believe it.
but my gut feeling never fails me.
I’m just soo good with words I could easily convince myself everything was okay when it wasn’t.

And as I walked out your house and the door slammed behind me, I realised I don’t know where the old me went, what the old me was like or which road I left her on so i could retrace my steps so I could find her again. I just didn’t know who I was anymore other than someone you no longer had the strength to love.

But I guess its my fault,

Because you was lost when i found you.

That was probably where i messed up.

I helped you find yourself but only lost myself in the process.

when

Its been long, so long that I no longer tell people how many weeks, months. I just say awhile. People don’t really act as shocked when you say a while – people don’t ask why it’s been so long when the only time slot you give to them is ‘a while’

People say time heals everything, but I can tell you it doesn’t. I don’t wake up feeling whole again because I have woken up to a new day. I don’t feel better because the hands on the clock go round in the path they always have. I wonder if the time gets tired of being misinterpreted, as a cure when really it isn’t always a cure. Maybe it’s tired of being relied on.

Time is also what people rely on to ‘forget’, but it’s been a while and I still remember you voice. I still remember our last conversation – let’s just say there’s not a lot I can forget. Moments still often replay in my head. There’s a time I could never erase – That time I was laying with you on your bed, your finger circling the palm of my hand. Silence filled the room, I don’t know if it felt wrong or your hand was just tired but I remember you stopped and broke the silence.

‘Look, I’m not trying to hurt you because I’d never want to do that it’s just I think that’s there’s  someone else out there that will deserve you and give you back that the love you give. That’s what you deserve..’

Just like that I felt like I  was dropping through a black hole that had no ending.

‘I fell out of love with you’

I didn’t know what to say, I was just figuring when I would stop falling but out of all responses that I could say, I looked at my hand and then I glared up to you and said –

‘when’