Letter to myself.

I’m sorry it got bad when it was already awful. I don’t know why I let you hold more weight than you can hold, knowing you was already drained and couldn’t bare to lift any of it . I should of never let you cry your self to sleep over people who left because they never knew your worth. I should have reminded you. I don’t know why I even allowed you to settle for someone who continually hurt you and made you believe it was love, as if you couldn’t find better. You’re worth loving, you deserve love. You are loved. You deserve the world. I apologise for allowing people to keep taking from you, when they gave you nothing but disappointment and lies, why I never told you go with your gut feelings, I dunno. I don’t know why I allowed you to blame yourself, knowing you had earthquakes for hands and a heart that beat too loud for something that small. I’m sorry for the days I cared about how you looked in the mirror when you was ill and fighting a battle for me. I wish I would of protected you, from people, viruses and also myself. I’m sorry Depression knocked and I let her in, knowing how weak you was from her last visit. I guess when we built up this wall, we forgot to lock her out. I wish I would of told you -‘this is not the answer’ as you went to the shop to buy alcohol. We already knew the answer wasn’t at the bottom of any of those bottles. I know it got bad, I know you got scared at times. I know you didn’t care if the next day came or not but I’m so proud you’re here today. I’m sorry I made you overthink the simple things instead of letting you enjoy them. I let you question yourself way too much this year but I never meant to. I let you fly but held you back from touching the stars, I promise from today I’ll let go. I promise that from this year forward I’ll give you the strength each day to get out of bed. I will stop making you tolerate anyone or things less than you deserve. You are smart. You are special. You are beautiful. You are essential. I will remember to love you, love you with every ounce of light in me, even when it gets dark. 

I’m sorry it got bad every time it got better but I promise you, one day you’ll achieve everything you’ve been fighting for. I promise as we go into this new year that I’ll cloak you with the love they did not take. I promise you, one day you will wake up and it will all be sooo beautiful.