You only really liked your naked body, when he was touching it. You only began to love yourself when he loved you and since he left you forgot how to. You look in the mirror and you barely notice yourself. You begin to play yourself. The 5 songs that you tried soo hard to avoid because of the feeling it gives you. Them songshave now become the songs on repeat. You look through old messages that you should of deleted and now you’re just reminiscing. Your scars reopen and you’re broken again. You’ve gotten yourself through the past few months by using things and people you think you need, but none of that can you distract you anymore. You need to accept, he’s not coming back. The sound of his voice you will eventually forget and his fingerprints will leave your body. All the memories will fade along with the pain. I know it hurts even worse because he’s the only one you’ve opened your palms too, so he could read your past through the creases in them. You let him in and he destroyed you. You’re more stronger than he thought and he thought he could break you down, but he couldn’t have his way with you. That’s strength. Today you may listen to them 5 songs over and over again, you’ll cry but remember tomorrow you will stand again. Even if you don’t, it’s okay because you’re allowed to be upset. You’re allowed to feel hurt. The human mind is not wired to deal with a heart break. It just knows how to survive. And look here you are, surviving ❤
I feel like no matter what I do or what I accomplish,
I am never going to find whatever it is I’m missing.
Or maybe I will find it, the answer is just when?
I think it maybe a type of freedom I’m looking for,
but I still can’t find it despite the fact I’m no longer underneath my parents control.
I can’t find it when I’m drunk.
I dunno what type of out I need but I feel like nothing will be able to give it to me.
I feel like I’m not living life how I should be,
there’s so much others would of accomplished if they were still here living.
My life isn’t some hell on earth
and I don’t mean to portray it like so.
I just don’t understand why things are so difficult for me,
Or maybe I’m making it difficult myself.
Sometimes I feel as though I don’t belong,
Not in a suicidal way.
I just sometimes don’t feel like I’m using it to its full potential, like I’m wasting it.
I know I am in fact but I also know I’ve done things to try prevent it but yet sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in it.
I’m so confused, anxious and overwhelmed about nothing but everything.
I can’t think of a reason but I could list many.
I cant understand myself and why I feel this way.
I feel numb in a certain type of sadness but I also feel numb when I’m not sad at all.
It’s true that if you become one thing for so long, you don’t know how to be anything else.
I know how to be happy within a mood but I don’t know how to be happy.
I know how to laugh and actually mean it but I don’t know how to spend the rest of my life this way.
And I know it’s wrong for me to find an reason for everything but that’s what I do.
and when I can’t figure out a reason, I assume they’re my fault.
I blame myself for things that are completely out of my control.
I’m sensitive I take things so harsh and personally.
I hate this about myself but what can I do, I can’t stop it.
I’m really tired or being tired and I know that cliche but it’s true, I’m always exhausted.
Maybe it’s because my rooms always dark and I always stay in there.
I don’t know sometimes I feel like I’m putting all this on myself,
but if that’s the case wouldn’t I be able to stop it?
I’m sorry it got bad when it was already awful. I don’t know why I let you hold more weight than you can hold, knowing you was already drained and couldn’t bare to lift any of it . I should of never let you cry your self to sleep over people who left because they never knew your worth. I should have reminded you. I don’t know why I even allowed you to settle for someone who continually hurt you and made you believe it was love, as if you couldn’t find better. You’re worth loving, you deserve love. You are loved. You deserve the world. I apologise for allowing people to keep taking from you, when they gave you nothing but disappointment and lies, why I never told you go with your gut feelings, I dunno. I don’t know why I allowed you to blame yourself, knowing you had earthquakes for hands and a heart that beat too loud for something that small. I’m sorry for the days I cared about how you looked in the mirror when you was ill and fighting a battle for me. I wish I would of protected you, from people, viruses and also myself. I’m sorry Depression knocked and I let her in, knowing how weak you was from her last visit. I guess when we built up this wall, we forgot to lock her out. I wish I would of told you -‘this is not the answer’ as you went to the shop to buy alcohol. We already knew the answer wasn’t at the bottom of any of those bottles. I know it got bad, I know you got scared at times. I know you didn’t care if the next day came or not but I’m so proud you’re here today. I’m sorry I made you overthink the simple things instead of letting you enjoy them. I let you question yourself way too much this year but I never meant to. I let you fly but held you back from touching the stars, I promise from today I’ll let go. I promise that from this year forward I’ll give you the strength each day to get out of bed. I will stop making you tolerate anyone or things less than you deserve. You are smart. You are special. You are beautiful. You are essential. I will remember to love you, love you with every ounce of light in me, even when it gets dark.
I’m sorry it got bad every time it got better but I promise you, one day you’ll achieve everything you’ve been fighting for. I promise as we go into this new year that I’ll cloak you with the love they did not take. I promise you, one day you will wake up and it will all be sooo beautiful.
I really don’t like how people have a way of making other people feel as though their problems aren’t valid just because their situation isn’t as bad as others and make that person not want to talk about what they’re going through, because they’re scared someone will belittle their problem but look at it in another light ; when a child falls off their bike and they cry because its probably the worst pain they ever felt, but if you got scrape, you’d just brush it off because its not that painful right? You cant tell that child that their pain is invalid because it doesn’t hurt that bad to you. Same with problems, that could be the worst thing they’ve ever been through. So what makes you think you can tell them they aren’t allowed to feel that way because other people have been through worse? Some people are stronger than others, so stop comparing one persons pain to another persons pain, even if you know someone that may be going through a worse time, don’t compare them because everyone’s pain threshold is different, some people think tattoos are painful, some don’t. Don’t ever think its okay to tell someone ‘Is that what your upset about, do you know how much people go through worse, you’ll get over it’ because that’s the issue, too many people are scared to speak up about their problems because people act like its not ‘a big deal’ in their eyes. So they don’t speak up, they just keep it to themselves even though it may be killing them inside, they end up suffering in silence. Just listen, no matter how small the problem may seem to YOU, to THEM it might be the most painful situation they’ve ever faced.