My friend, you are surviving.

You only really liked your naked body, when he was touching it. You only began to love yourself when he loved you and since he left you forgot how to. You look in the mirror and you barely notice yourself. You begin to play yourself. The 5 songs that you tried soo hard to avoid because of the feeling it gives you. Them songs have now become the songs on repeat. You look through old messages that you should of deleted and now you’re just reminiscing. Your scars reopen and you’re broken again. You’ve gotten yourself through the past few months by using things and people you think you need, but none of that can you distract you anymore. You need to accept, he’s not coming back. The sound of his voice you will eventually forget and his fingerprints will leave your body. All the memories will fade along with the pain. I know it hurts even worse because he’s the only one you’ve opened your palms too, so he could read your past through the creases in them. You let him in and he destroyed you. You’re more stronger than he thought and he thought he could break you down, but he couldn’t have his way with you. That’s strength. Today you may listen to them 5 songs over and over again, you’ll cry but remember tomorrow you will stand again. Even if you don’t, it’s okay because you’re allowed to be upset. You’re allowed to feel hurt. The human mind is not wired to deal with a heart break. It just knows how to survive. And look here you are, surviving ❤

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Feels.

I feel like no matter what I do or what I accomplish,
I am never going to find whatever it is I’m missing.
Or maybe I will find it, the answer is just when?

I think it maybe a type of freedom I’m looking for,

but I still can’t find it despite the fact I’m no longer underneath my parents control.

I can’t find it when I’m drunk. 

I dunno what type of out I need but I feel like nothing will be able to give it to me.
I feel like I’m not living life how I should be,

there’s so much others would of accomplished if they were still here living.

My life isn’t some hell on earth

and I don’t mean to portray it like so.

I just don’t understand why things are so difficult for me,

Or maybe I’m making it difficult myself.
Sometimes I feel as though I don’t belong,

Not in a suicidal way. 

I just sometimes don’t feel like I’m using it to its full potential, like I’m wasting it. 

I know I am in fact but I also know I’ve done things to try prevent it but yet sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in it.
I’m so confused, anxious and overwhelmed about nothing but everything. 

I can’t think of a reason but I could list many.

I cant understand myself and why I feel this way. 

I feel numb in a certain type of sadness but I also feel numb when I’m not sad at all. 

It’s true that if you become one thing for so long, you don’t know how to be anything else.
I know how to be happy within a mood but I don’t know how to be happy.

I know how to laugh and actually mean it but I don’t know how to spend the rest of my life this way.
And I know it’s wrong for me to find an reason for everything but that’s what I do. 

and when I can’t figure out a reason, I assume they’re my fault. 

I blame myself for things that are completely out of my control.

I’m sensitive I take things so harsh and personally.

I hate this about myself but what can I do, I can’t stop it.

I’m really tired or being tired and I know that cliche but it’s true, I’m always exhausted.

Maybe it’s because my rooms always dark and I always stay in there.

I don’t know sometimes I feel like I’m putting all this on myself,

but if that’s the case wouldn’t I be able to stop it?

Letter to myself.

I’m sorry it got bad when it was already awful. I don’t know why I let you hold more weight than you can hold, knowing you was already drained and couldn’t bare to lift any of it . I should of never let you cry your self to sleep over people who left because they never knew your worth. I should have reminded you. I don’t know why I even allowed you to settle for someone who continually hurt you and made you believe it was love, as if you couldn’t find better. You’re worth loving, you deserve love. You are loved. You deserve the world. I apologise for allowing people to keep taking from you, when they gave you nothing but disappointment and lies, why I never told you go with your gut feelings, I dunno. I don’t know why I allowed you to blame yourself, knowing you had earthquakes for hands and a heart that beat too loud for something that small. I’m sorry for the days I cared about how you looked in the mirror when you was ill and fighting a battle for me. I wish I would of protected you, from people, viruses and also myself. I’m sorry Depression knocked and I let her in, knowing how weak you was from her last visit. I guess when we built up this wall, we forgot to lock her out. I wish I would of told you -‘this is not the answer’ as you went to the shop to buy alcohol. We already knew the answer wasn’t at the bottom of any of those bottles. I know it got bad, I know you got scared at times. I know you didn’t care if the next day came or not but I’m so proud you’re here today. I’m sorry I made you overthink the simple things instead of letting you enjoy them. I let you question yourself way too much this year but I never meant to. I let you fly but held you back from touching the stars, I promise from today I’ll let go. I promise that from this year forward I’ll give you the strength each day to get out of bed. I will stop making you tolerate anyone or things less than you deserve. You are smart. You are special. You are beautiful. You are essential. I will remember to love you, love you with every ounce of light in me, even when it gets dark. 

I’m sorry it got bad every time it got better but I promise you, one day you’ll achieve everything you’ve been fighting for. I promise as we go into this new year that I’ll cloak you with the love they did not take. I promise you, one day you will wake up and it will all be sooo beautiful.

Please, Just Listen.

I really don’t like how people have a way of making other people feel as though their problems aren’t valid just because their situation isn’t as bad as others and make that person not want to talk about what they’re going through, because they’re scared someone will belittle their problem but look at it in another light ; when a child falls off their bike and they cry because its probably the worst pain they ever felt, but if you got scrape, you’d just brush it off  because its not that painful right? You cant tell that child that their pain is invalid because it doesn’t hurt that bad to you. Same with problems, that could be the worst thing they’ve ever been through. So what makes you think you can tell them they aren’t allowed to feel that way because other people have been through worse? Some people are stronger than others, so stop comparing one persons pain to another persons pain, even if you know someone that may be going through a worse time, don’t compare them because everyone’s pain threshold is different, some people think tattoos are painful, some don’t. Don’t ever think its okay to tell someone ‘Is that what your upset about, do you know how much people go through worse, you’ll get over it’ because that’s the issue, too many people are scared to speak up about their problems because people act like its not ‘a big deal’ in their eyes. So they don’t speak up, they just keep it to themselves even though it may be killing them inside, they end up suffering in silence. Just listen, no matter how small the problem may seem to YOU, to THEM it might be the most painful situation they’ve ever faced.

The Theory – 23/10/16

not sure how to even begin this, but I guess what first comes to mind is the theory in psychology where you’re meant to distract yourself from a certain pain. They say if you focus long enough on something else you can side track yourself it. With that being said, I’ve been distracting myself, keeping busy . Busy working, sleeping, watching YouTube tutorials, doing whatever it is that I can to keep my mind occupied with. Sometimes my busy turns into an encounter with laziness and those days are the worst time but God knows I’ve been busy and by busy i mean distracted. Half the time when i tell people I’ve been busy distracting myself they say ‘from what’ and normally i say ‘everything’. General issues are easier to describe and get into because everyone seems to relate to distracting yourself from them. If i was honest, If i actually told people that ask what i was distracting myself from they’d be confused. Confused because I’ve never said anything, they’d try to give me some sort of advice and wonder when it got so deep, why i never spoke to them about it. I wonder too. I have spoken to one person though and she told me to do whats best for me. The ‘healthy’ option. The option that will make me happy, but that is the issue, i  don’t know what option will make me happy. I walked home after that conversation and my mind was even more baffled, because every option included a form of loss whether it was my pride or a person. I wasn’t even paying attention to the road, because i just didn’t care, i forgot for a second there was a moving world surrounding me. The road was a straight path with nothing but blurred walls. ‘Why do i feel so empty’ my mind screamed at me. Every time i think of my life whole its always with someone and that just makes me feel more low, why can’t I feel whole alone? I wouldn’t say this is healthy, but I guess at least I feel something other than empty. I told the person I no longer feel innocent I guess she thought I meant it in a sexual way but really I was saying my mind is filled with vindictive thoughts. My mind is not right, right now. My mind is filled but empty. I knew something was wrong when I would say ‘I’m going to bed’ at 8pm but not actually sleep until 4am. I knew something was wrong when I genuinely didn’t know what was wrong when my doctor had asked me. I just had this horrible feeling deep inside that would not go away. I tried to explain to her what it felt like to go to sleep and still wake up this feeling, feeling like everyone is pulling me in different directions and the only way to even feel a bit better is to go with them. I remember my Doctor asking me how I knew which direction to go in and I knew something was wrong after I said ‘I Don’t’ and she looked at me confused. I Carried on and said I Go with the strongest one. I knew something was wrong when even when I wake up in the morning people at work would say ‘you look tired’, wish I could tell them its because exhaustion won this time around. Maybe tomorrow, next week or even next month and Happiness had the tightest grip around my throat as I rise in the morning. Sounds Ironic doesn’t it? I Could only be happy when it is choking me. I Can only find the urge to smile when I can not breathe. Its Confusing. I’m Confusing, I know. I Cant remember the last time my life wasn’t confusing. I Think the most confusing thing to me right now is that I struggle to tell people I am not Okay or I’m scared to tell people how important they are too me. I Have a hard time saying ‘I Love You’ to certain people and to others its the easiest thing to say. But to be fair its easier to say ‘I Love You’ to people I don’t really love. Where’s the logic in that. I Try avoid saying ‘I Miss You’ and I normally brush it off if someone says it to me. Maybe why that’s why people may feel like I Don’t love them and I apologise for that. Then again, I don’t. I am furious. I’m not sorry but I want you to know that I am if that makes sense. Yea this is confusing. This is what I mean sometimes I wake up in the morning to equally strong forces pulling me, leaving me stuck in the middle. These are probably my good days, because all I End up being is numb. I Like numb. This was supposed to be a letter about missing someone but I decided to distract myself from the thoughts of missing you by discussing my frustration in other things.
Looks like the Theory is true.