My friend, you are surviving.

You only really liked your naked body, when he was touching it. You only began to love yourself when he loved you and since he left you forgot how to. You look in the mirror and you barely notice yourself. You begin to play yourself. The 5 songs that you tried soo hard to avoid because of the feeling it gives you. Them songs have now become the songs on repeat. You look through old messages that you should of deleted and now you’re just reminiscing. Your scars reopen and you’re broken again. You’ve gotten yourself through the past few months by using things and people you think you need, but none of that can you distract you anymore. You need to accept, he’s not coming back. The sound of his voice you will eventually forget and his fingerprints will leave your body. All the memories will fade along with the pain. I know it hurts even worse because he’s the only one you’ve opened your palms too, so he could read your past through the creases in them. You let him in and he destroyed you. You’re more stronger than he thought and he thought he could break you down, but he couldn’t have his way with you. That’s strength. Today you may listen to them 5 songs over and over again, you’ll cry but remember tomorrow you will stand again. Even if you don’t, it’s okay because you’re allowed to be upset. You’re allowed to feel hurt. The human mind is not wired to deal with a heart break. It just knows how to survive. And look here you are, surviving ❤

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I’m Sorry

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Dear You,
I remember being scared to let you in because I knew it would be you that I fell for and even though I fell in love with you, there’s mistakes I made that i didn’t realise i made until you left. See it took you leaving and many nights overthinking till 4am, Sleeping, waking up, Overthinking again, but i get it now. I get why you left and didn’t listen to the excuses why I was not doing right by you, you heard them all before, guess you got bored of watching me stutter as i tried to make up a new reason I couldn’t help my selfish ways.
Im Sorry that when you left, I slammed the door behind you and acted like I didn’t care. I’m Sorry for not being able to see how lucky I was when I had you. I’m just Sorry for not loving you the way you deserved to be loved. I am Sorry for not being the person that you needed, even though I know I could have been if i wasn’t so inconsiderate, and took my time to fix what needed to be fixed. I am Sorry I was only thinking about myself soo much that I stopped thinking of ways to ensure you was happy. I am Sorry that I only started trying as soon as you stopped. I am Sorry I started trying when we both know it was too late. I am Sorry we could never stop hurting each other long enough to prove the truth in every ‘I love you’ we mouthed. I am Sorry my actions never matched the volume of my words. I am Sorry I kept pushing you away even when you continually told me ‘The last thing i want to do is leave you but you just keep pushing me away and I don’t know what to do anymore’. I am Sorry you had to use someone else to fill my void. I am Sorry for the nights you stayed up thinking of reasons why you should stay, I am Sorry that as days went by those reasons lessened. I am Sorry I wasn’t there for when you needed me to be there. I am Sorry I ignored the fact that something was wrong even though I could see the pain in your eyes. I am Sorry you tried your hardest to stay and I am Sorry I  would always respond by shouting the names of people that told me that the would stay but didn’t. I am Sorry you had to tell your whole family that we broke up. I am Sorry that I took out all my past issues on you. I Could write pages about all the things I am Sorry for. Sorry for the constant abandonment and all the nights you went to bed mad. I just couldn’t see where my life was going because I was so caught up in trying not to get hurt, that I only ended up hurting you. I am Sorry I lost the strength to fight for our relationship as soon as I lost my temper. I am Sorry I lost sight of you and the beautiful things we could of built, but I’m done apologising now. I am not Sorry for the time I spent with you. I am not Sorry for how many days we spent doing nothing just laying in bed talking. I am not Sorry for all the money we spent going over our phone bills because we never wanted them to ended. I am not Sorry for all the love we made. I am not Sorry for the ungodly hours we stayed up watching movies and eat junk food. I am not Sorry for letting you in and I’ll never be Sorry for falling in love with you. I am not Sorry for the wasted time, because time never mattered until time was up with you. I hate the fact that everything I am not Sorry for came to an end the day we said are goodbyes, Sorry.

When Pt2

Part 1 here – When Pt1

But I guess I should of guessed,
You stopped loving me awhile ago.
Because it’s been months since you sent me a morning text.
I thought we was making love last time I saw you,
but the look in your eyes wasn’t the same as before.
The glare wasn’t the same
The kisses lessened,
The way you held me wasn’t the same.
I should of known because all the signs were before me.
I’ll message you 2:34pm and I was lucky if I got a reply.
I should of guessed because before 2:36pm wouldn’t pass without your name popping up in my notification bar.

I couldn’t even say I’ve been ‘alright’ without you worrying what happened and why was it just ‘alright’. Alright was never enough for you.
Now even when I told you I weren’t okay or that needed someone to talk to all you would say is ‘I’m too tired, talk to you later’.

I Just should of know when you stopped trying.
When we made plans and never shown up, but I checked your social media and you was out drinking with your friends.
Before you’d rather have just stayed in and watched a movies with me.
I guess you got bored of movies, I guess you found comfort in the loud music and hundred girls that surrounded you every night. I guess my chest was no longer your home.
I guess my love was no longer enough..

I said ‘when’ , when really I should of said ‘I know’ because I knew. I remember sitting across the table from you a few months ago and you must of sensed that I wasn’t listening to you so you asked me what was wrong. I said ‘I don’t feel myself’ and you replied ‘babe, everything will be okay I promise’ and kissed the back of my hand. It’s crazy how much times I’ve replied to that question with the same answer but I guess you got bored because last month was so different, I sat beside you at the dinner table and you was talking again, you paused as you asked me a question and i had no clue what you asked. ‘Sorry, my mind was somewhere else’ I Responded coming back to earth. He sighed ‘not feeling yourself again?’ I nodded as I looked down in shame, I could tell you was fed up by your voice. I could tell by the way the silence filled the car that night.

I knew.
I saw all the signs.
I just didn’t want to believe it.
but my gut feeling never fails me.
I’m just soo good with words I could easily convince myself everything was okay when it wasn’t.

And as I walked out your house and the door slammed behind me, I realised I don’t know where the old me went, what the old me was like or which road I left her on so i could retrace my steps so I could find her again. I just didn’t know who I was anymore other than someone you no longer had the strength to love.

But I guess its my fault,

Because you was lost when i found you.

That was probably where i messed up.

I helped you find yourself but only lost myself in the process.

when

Its been long, so long that I no longer tell people how many weeks, months. I just say awhile. People don’t really act as shocked when you say a while – people don’t ask why it’s been so long when the only time slot you give to them is ‘a while’

People say time heals everything, but I can tell you it doesn’t. I don’t wake up feeling whole again because I have woken up to a new day. I don’t feel better because the hands on the clock go round in the path they always have. I wonder if the time gets tired of being misinterpreted, as a cure when really it isn’t always a cure. Maybe it’s tired of being relied on.

Time is also what people rely on to ‘forget’, but it’s been a while and I still remember you voice. I still remember our last conversation – let’s just say there’s not a lot I can forget. Moments still often replay in my head. There’s a time I could never erase – That time I was laying with you on your bed, your finger circling the palm of my hand. Silence filled the room, I don’t know if it felt wrong or your hand was just tired but I remember you stopped and broke the silence.

‘Look, I’m not trying to hurt you because I’d never want to do that it’s just I think that’s there’s  someone else out there that will deserve you and give you back that the love you give. That’s what you deserve..’

Just like that I felt like I  was dropping through a black hole that had no ending.

‘I fell out of love with you’

I didn’t know what to say, I was just figuring when I would stop falling but out of all responses that I could say, I looked at my hand and then I glared up to you and said –

‘when’