To Whom it may concern

I should of made you wait,  

I was meant too, 

and I did for as long as I can remember. 

You see I let you in to my world but that wasn’t enough for you,

Pouring myself out until I was naked 

but

you wanted to be let in somewhere else. 

Let’s get this right though, 

Cause I remember telling you to wait, 

and you didn’t understand why, 

Something I could relate too 

because I didn’t understand why I’d have to wait hours for a reply. 

I’d open up to you and tell you how I feel,

then you’d push me away and say you got a headache 

but that headache always seemed to disappear when I was screaming your name.

Crazy that the only time I could moan 

was when it was your name.

Silly me – I lit myself on fire to make sure you was warm, 

then you wondered why I was burning and the flames seem to bother you.

How ironic. 

You told me you never really got feelings 

and wasn’t looking for a relationship,

but you seemed to want all of the perks of being one. 

I gave you it all and more,

No title involved.

I gave you that feeling 

and it might of not been in the right place

but it was enough to keep you running back. 

You’d have me round Friday night 

because your friends were all with their girlfriends,

but dawn would past 

And I wasn’t even good enough to receive a good morning text.

I wasn’t good enough to be taken out in public,

but in private you was all over me. 

It’s weird cause I loved the chase, 

but it’s like every time I got closer to you,

you’d push me away, 

as if I was some sort of disease.

I should of really ran away from you but you was a temporary distraction. 

The amount of people that desired what you had,

but I chose you,

wasted time,

energy,

feelings, 

and undeserved pain

I guess me letting your cold body touch mine only made me cold.

I Should of made you wait.

Like I was waiting 

waiting for you
 soo long that I no longer know what I am waiting for..

I suppose I just wanted you to be the person that I see in you.

but maybe my sight was unclear and I was seeing wrong.

I never loved with open arms before,

but I did with you. 

And you needed me so much, 

I stopped giving to myself.

but your pride would allow you to do without me,

if that meant you didn’t crumble,

but i guess it was okay for me to do it for you.

I waited, I did. 

Because even though you acted like you don’t need anyone,

I saw the serenity in your body language when we lay together, 

and you wanted it like I did. 

then when I wasn’t there you lived without me,

cause you are so used to going without, 

Or people leaving you 

That was never my intention. 

Your pride won’t let you say.

Or maybe I’m just seeing things I want to see.

I think hope was the reason I stayed.

no longer can I hold myself back

I can’t keep painting a beautiful image over all your excuses. 

How can you chose me, when I don’t even pick me? 

Here I was

Taking a bullet for someone who was wearing a bullet proof vest – this is exactly how I loved too hard.

Here I was trying to protect someone who didn’t need protecting. 

I should of made you wait the same way I waited. 

Just for you to be for me, what I was to you.

I waited, but today I stopped.

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Bad Habit

You always tell me I’m a wanderer, you’ve told me I can’t keep resting my feet at strangers houses.

I tell you I know them, but you know better. You know me well. I know something about nothing when someone says ‘I love reading’ the first thing I do is shift them into a person I used to have, the person I could exchange books with.
I automatically think I’ve figured them out, it’s so wrong of me. The second they mention partying or they don’t enjoy the same music as me, I’ll distance myself. I’ll leave.
I’ll run away because the beds not warm enough or their kisses don’t feel the same, it’s scares me.
Because that’s different, that’s not the person I used to have. I came here to feel at home, not rebuild.
I came over here to start again, not to start over.
That’s probably why I never stay because I never know them like I wanted to think I did. I think I did because my mind can so easily make them into a person I lost in the past. I’m so good with words that I can talk myself into thinking that I have found the person I lost, in this new person I found when they really have no resemblance. I can’t keep looking for you in people.

I’m able to fall in love of the idea of someone, it’s falling in love with the actual person that takes months and years. Maybe someone who is doing the same thing to me, maybe they see me as someone that they love that isn’t around anymore and they are using me just to fill her void and I don’t think I mind that. Maybe I’m just someone’s filler and  I only break someone vicariously and my hands never get blood on them.
Maybe it’s a good thing.

But it’s true.
I can’t keep pretending to be homeless when my house is only 5 minutes away.
I can’t just find another because a crack is on the walls of my room.
I can’t keep doing this to people

‘Please never forget’

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When you spend a lot of time running, something very weird happens when you meet someone who makes you want to stay.

When you’ve been running so long you don’t really care about things, such as your future. You don’t really think about getting married and how good someone may look as they walk down the isle to meet you.

When you’re always running the only thing you really concern yourself with, is not concerning in anything at all. You just convince yourself that you’re invincible, that fear and vulnerability will never be able to catch up to you. You never stay long enough because you don’t want to catch feelings. You tell yourself you’re not scared of much when really, getting attached frightens you. You leave without reason, you even pierce or tattoo your skin just to prove that you’re not scared of anything.

When you keep running, you wish you could apologise for the people that you’ve led on and broken on the way, but you don’t want to hear ‘I forgive you, please come back’. Guilt is too risky for someone like you. You try to remain in the shallow side because every time things get deep your past begins to drown you. How many people have you hurt or let down? How many people are afraid to  love again just because you didn’t stay long enough and left without any reason? You convince yourself you don’t care. How many bodies have these people woken up beside just to kill the memory of you? You spend time dating, cuddling, kissing people, waking up next to people but always seem to have disappeared before they build up the courage to say ‘I love you’. They’re all liars anyway, how can someone love you when they don’t even really know you?

All this running but see something foreign happens when you meet someone that makes you want to stay around. Your fears begin to come out from the dark. The way they say your name, The way they remind you it’s okay to feel. The way you find comfort in their arms. You don’t care what anyone thinks and you’re okay with all the hearts you broke because it led you to this person right here. You’ve now become an ‘We’ instead of an ‘I’. Someone has now taught you to be scared of things you never were scared of before but also be fearless at the same time. You have your heart in your hands and their hands in your hair. You now finally imagine meeting someone at the isle. When you learn how to stay eventually the only thing you become scared of is  forgetting. Getting drunk together and hearing your first ‘I love you’. The date when you both viewed the city from a distance and they said ‘There’s no place I’d rather be than here with you’. The way they kissed you on your lips after they said it and the smile they gave you after. The way they roll onto you, to wake you up. The way their hands stroke your face as they say ‘I’m not going anywhere, Okay?’, just after you finally tell them your fear is losing them. This soft person you have become, feeling has never felt soo beautiful. Every little memory matters now and you really don’t want to forget anything, such as their smell, how cold their hands were but how lovely they felt on your skin. ‘Please never forget’ I say in my mind before I go to sleep. I think of all the times he’s forgiven me and I really can’t bare to forget each time he said ‘it’s okay, I forgive you’. I think about how beautiful he looks and how beautiful he makes me feel. He’s the reason for all these beautiful thoughts and if I forget him, I forget everything. Forgetting has never frightened me so much, this fear caught up to me as soon as I found a place to sleep in his arms.

When you’ve been running your whole life, something happens when you meet someone who makes you want to stay.

You start hoping to remember everything.