My friend, you are surviving.

You only really liked your naked body, when he was touching it. You only began to love yourself when he loved you and since he left you forgot how to. You look in the mirror and you barely notice yourself. You begin to play yourself. The 5 songs that you tried soo hard to avoid because of the feeling it gives you. Them songs have now become the songs on repeat. You look through old messages that you should of deleted and now you’re just reminiscing. Your scars reopen and you’re broken again. You’ve gotten yourself through the past few months by using things and people you think you need, but none of that can you distract you anymore. You need to accept, he’s not coming back. The sound of his voice you will eventually forget and his fingerprints will leave your body. All the memories will fade along with the pain. I know it hurts even worse because he’s the only one you’ve opened your palms too, so he could read your past through the creases in them. You let him in and he destroyed you. You’re more stronger than he thought and he thought he could break you down, but he couldn’t have his way with you. That’s strength. Today you may listen to them 5 songs over and over again, you’ll cry but remember tomorrow you will stand again. Even if you don’t, it’s okay because you’re allowed to be upset. You’re allowed to feel hurt. The human mind is not wired to deal with a heart break. It just knows how to survive. And look here you are, surviving ❤

Advertisements

Why can’t I forget

I still remember how you pursued me and how you convinced me that I was the first person you really had proper feelings for since your last, you told me you feared being attached but you could feel yourself falling for me. Then you disappeared for a week, I didn’t know if it was over or if I was just overthinking things. 2 weeks went and you finally reached out and told me you really cared for me but you thought I deserved more than you, that excuse has never made sense to me and it confused me more when a few weeks went and there was this new person on the scene. I just didn’t get how she deserved you more than I did? It just didn’t make sense to me, I deserved a better excuse than ‘You deserve better than me’. How do you know what I deserve? Didn’t you think I deserved to be get the effort and love back,that I gave to you. I deserved to have what i want and what I wanted was you. It may have sounded good in your head but to me it just sounded like ‘I don’t care enough to do better for you’. I deserved better than a ‘you deserve better’ excuse. I remember that day I walked away telling myself I was done I wasn’t going to chase you for anything else especially a heart I thought you had. Months went by and you messaged me, you told me how sorry you was and that you wanted to start over. I remember replying –

you cant just come back to see what you’re missing just because you miss the times I needed you to put be back together. You ruined all these parts of me and I had to put them back together and now you come back like I’m an art piece you have too see. I can’t afford to go through that again

but it was you and I don’t even know how you was able to convince me to come back, its as though I forgot how hard it was to put myself back together. I remember we argued one night and I was yelling about how quick you was too replace me. I told you I felt like I was not good enough. You responded by hugging me tight and telling me I was good enough and you pleaded me to forgive you, telling me you messed up and you was sorry. You told me about your last heartbreak and how much it killed you that you could never go through it again, you made me promise that I would never do the same to you. I promised that I wouldn’t and you knew I always kept to my word, but I should of made you promise me the same too because a months went by and things began to change again, you began to distance yourself. I told you things felt like they was changing, you told me that you didn’t want this anymore, You thought you did but you didn’t. You told me that I was a distraction at one point, but I was starting to become baggage that just began to weigh you down. Again I broke and I was left pick up all the pieces and the only one I could blame is myself.  I started to understand why you took so long to respond when I said ‘I love you’ and it began to make sense as to why you you’d sigh when I use to say little things just to gain reassurance and how fucking convenient is it that I’m the only one that can’t seem to forget it all.

Thank You

img_8393

 

So here we are, humans. Our parents told us to be whoever we want to be. They tell us to find ourselves and treat people how we would like to be treated. They tell us to say ‘please’ when we want something and say ‘Thank you’ when people do things such as, open the door for us. So here I am, travelling through life doing what I want taught to do, live my life and be myself. I walk around smiling even when I’m not happy, I try to live my life to the fullest because at the end of the day I’m still alive. Some people may find it weird, that no matter what I’m always happy. I love being free. Every step I take I am moving on in life and its so short but beautiful, but also sometimes hard. But never forget we’re alive. Our path is always taking us somewhere, even if its a dead end. We walk at our own speed, we don’t need signs to tell us how fast we can or can’t go because we are all going at our own pace. Not every dead end road is a bad thing and sometimes your greatest ideas come at a red light. I never want to stop moving. I never want to turn around and go back because the past will always look more wonderful then the present when it is the only thing you think about but once you start to think about the present and the future, without looking back, things start happening. You can’t move forward, when all you think about is the past. The past cannot be changed. A lot of us are lucky we have friends and family that have never left us because people leave all the time. Some of us have heard all the ‘I’m leaving you’ speeches and I’m sorry to all the people who had people leave them without saying goodbye. Leaving should never be done in silence but it happens and you’ll probably always have memories of them. How many times are you going to sit down and ponder on reasons why they could have left? Let go because people do leave and it doesn’t get any easier but we have to move on, for ourselves. We cannot keep holding ourselves back in the past when we have a future to look forward too. I was taught to say ‘Thank you’ when someone opens the door for us but this is me sincerely thanking you for closing the door behind me.

Letting go

I think I’ve spent a lot of my life fighting for things and people. Its said that if its meant to be, then it will be and there is no reason to fight for something because its probably just not meant to be. But me, I feel like whats meant to be, you should fight for it. If you want something, go get it. I’ve fought for people and things a lot. My way of thinking maybe considered different because i feel as though if something is meant to be and i was to give up because it didn’t come naturally, it would be much worse to come to the realization  than the realization that i fought for something that’s not meant to be. I’d rather fight for whats meant to be and understand why it wasn’t meant to be instead of just let go because it didnt come naturally. Everything i want is worth battling for and i tend to do that with everything i want. I’ve came across a quote that said –

‘How strong a person you are depends on how easily you let go of things not meant for you’

I tried letting go of things, not fighting for things. It just wasn’t me. I don’t let go easy and yes it may be my downfall. I don’t let go until I’m tired and even with every time I chase i feel as though I’m not catching up. Then I let go, maybe or i might try find another way to get them or it. I never give up but remember letting go and giving up are so different. People ask me

‘Why are you still fighting for someone that clearly doesnt want you’

‘Why are you scared to give up’

‘Don’t you think if its meant to be, you’d have it already’

Anything along them lines. I always end up saying –

‘I don’t let go of things just because the dont come naturally. I’ll let go when things have seemed to let go of me and I no longer have the strength to fight anymore. I have severed all ways to still hang on – Only then will i let go’