My friend, you are surviving.

You only really liked your naked body, when he was touching it. You only began to love yourself when he loved you and since he left you forgot how to. You look in the mirror and you barely notice yourself. You begin to play yourself. The 5 songs that you tried soo hard to avoid because of the feeling it gives you. Them songs have now become the songs on repeat. You look through old messages that you should of deleted and now you’re just reminiscing. Your scars reopen and you’re broken again. You’ve gotten yourself through the past few months by using things and people you think you need, but none of that can you distract you anymore. You need to accept, he’s not coming back. The sound of his voice you will eventually forget and his fingerprints will leave your body. All the memories will fade along with the pain. I know it hurts even worse because he’s the only one you’ve opened your palms too, so he could read your past through the creases in them. You let him in and he destroyed you. You’re more stronger than he thought and he thought he could break you down, but he couldn’t have his way with you. That’s strength. Today you may listen to them 5 songs over and over again, you’ll cry but remember tomorrow you will stand again. Even if you don’t, it’s okay because you’re allowed to be upset. You’re allowed to feel hurt. The human mind is not wired to deal with a heart break. It just knows how to survive. And look here you are, surviving ❤

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I’m Sorry

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Dear You,
I remember being scared to let you in because I knew it would be you that I fell for and even though I fell in love with you, there’s mistakes I made that i didn’t realise i made until you left. See it took you leaving and many nights overthinking till 4am, Sleeping, waking up, Overthinking again, but i get it now. I get why you left and didn’t listen to the excuses why I was not doing right by you, you heard them all before, guess you got bored of watching me stutter as i tried to make up a new reason I couldn’t help my selfish ways.
Im Sorry that when you left, I slammed the door behind you and acted like I didn’t care. I’m Sorry for not being able to see how lucky I was when I had you. I’m just Sorry for not loving you the way you deserved to be loved. I am Sorry for not being the person that you needed, even though I know I could have been if i wasn’t so inconsiderate, and took my time to fix what needed to be fixed. I am Sorry I was only thinking about myself soo much that I stopped thinking of ways to ensure you was happy. I am Sorry that I only started trying as soon as you stopped. I am Sorry I started trying when we both know it was too late. I am Sorry we could never stop hurting each other long enough to prove the truth in every ‘I love you’ we mouthed. I am Sorry my actions never matched the volume of my words. I am Sorry I kept pushing you away even when you continually told me ‘The last thing i want to do is leave you but you just keep pushing me away and I don’t know what to do anymore’. I am Sorry you had to use someone else to fill my void. I am Sorry for the nights you stayed up thinking of reasons why you should stay, I am Sorry that as days went by those reasons lessened. I am Sorry I wasn’t there for when you needed me to be there. I am Sorry I ignored the fact that something was wrong even though I could see the pain in your eyes. I am Sorry you tried your hardest to stay and I am Sorry I  would always respond by shouting the names of people that told me that the would stay but didn’t. I am Sorry you had to tell your whole family that we broke up. I am Sorry that I took out all my past issues on you. I Could write pages about all the things I am Sorry for. Sorry for the constant abandonment and all the nights you went to bed mad. I just couldn’t see where my life was going because I was so caught up in trying not to get hurt, that I only ended up hurting you. I am Sorry I lost the strength to fight for our relationship as soon as I lost my temper. I am Sorry I lost sight of you and the beautiful things we could of built, but I’m done apologising now. I am not Sorry for the time I spent with you. I am not Sorry for how many days we spent doing nothing just laying in bed talking. I am not Sorry for all the money we spent going over our phone bills because we never wanted them to ended. I am not Sorry for all the love we made. I am not Sorry for the ungodly hours we stayed up watching movies and eat junk food. I am not Sorry for letting you in and I’ll never be Sorry for falling in love with you. I am not Sorry for the wasted time, because time never mattered until time was up with you. I hate the fact that everything I am not Sorry for came to an end the day we said are goodbyes, Sorry.

When Pt2

Part 1 here – When Pt1

But I guess I should of guessed,
You stopped loving me awhile ago.
Because it’s been months since you sent me a morning text.
I thought we was making love last time I saw you,
but the look in your eyes wasn’t the same as before.
The glare wasn’t the same
The kisses lessened,
The way you held me wasn’t the same.
I should of known because all the signs were before me.
I’ll message you 2:34pm and I was lucky if I got a reply.
I should of guessed because before 2:36pm wouldn’t pass without your name popping up in my notification bar.

I couldn’t even say I’ve been ‘alright’ without you worrying what happened and why was it just ‘alright’. Alright was never enough for you.
Now even when I told you I weren’t okay or that needed someone to talk to all you would say is ‘I’m too tired, talk to you later’.

I Just should of know when you stopped trying.
When we made plans and never shown up, but I checked your social media and you was out drinking with your friends.
Before you’d rather have just stayed in and watched a movies with me.
I guess you got bored of movies, I guess you found comfort in the loud music and hundred girls that surrounded you every night. I guess my chest was no longer your home.
I guess my love was no longer enough..

I said ‘when’ , when really I should of said ‘I know’ because I knew. I remember sitting across the table from you a few months ago and you must of sensed that I wasn’t listening to you so you asked me what was wrong. I said ‘I don’t feel myself’ and you replied ‘babe, everything will be okay I promise’ and kissed the back of my hand. It’s crazy how much times I’ve replied to that question with the same answer but I guess you got bored because last month was so different, I sat beside you at the dinner table and you was talking again, you paused as you asked me a question and i had no clue what you asked. ‘Sorry, my mind was somewhere else’ I Responded coming back to earth. He sighed ‘not feeling yourself again?’ I nodded as I looked down in shame, I could tell you was fed up by your voice. I could tell by the way the silence filled the car that night.

I knew.
I saw all the signs.
I just didn’t want to believe it.
but my gut feeling never fails me.
I’m just soo good with words I could easily convince myself everything was okay when it wasn’t.

And as I walked out your house and the door slammed behind me, I realised I don’t know where the old me went, what the old me was like or which road I left her on so i could retrace my steps so I could find her again. I just didn’t know who I was anymore other than someone you no longer had the strength to love.

But I guess its my fault,

Because you was lost when i found you.

That was probably where i messed up.

I helped you find yourself but only lost myself in the process.

The Theory – 23/10/16

not sure how to even begin this, but I guess what first comes to mind is the theory in psychology where you’re meant to distract yourself from a certain pain. They say if you focus long enough on something else you can side track yourself it. With that being said, I’ve been distracting myself, keeping busy . Busy working, sleeping, watching YouTube tutorials, doing whatever it is that I can to keep my mind occupied with. Sometimes my busy turns into an encounter with laziness and those days are the worst time but God knows I’ve been busy and by busy i mean distracted. Half the time when i tell people I’ve been busy distracting myself they say ‘from what’ and normally i say ‘everything’. General issues are easier to describe and get into because everyone seems to relate to distracting yourself from them. If i was honest, If i actually told people that ask what i was distracting myself from they’d be confused. Confused because I’ve never said anything, they’d try to give me some sort of advice and wonder when it got so deep, why i never spoke to them about it. I wonder too. I have spoken to one person though and she told me to do whats best for me. The ‘healthy’ option. The option that will make me happy, but that is the issue, i  don’t know what option will make me happy. I walked home after that conversation and my mind was even more baffled, because every option included a form of loss whether it was my pride or a person. I wasn’t even paying attention to the road, because i just didn’t care, i forgot for a second there was a moving world surrounding me. The road was a straight path with nothing but blurred walls. ‘Why do i feel so empty’ my mind screamed at me. Every time i think of my life whole its always with someone and that just makes me feel more low, why can’t I feel whole alone? I wouldn’t say this is healthy, but I guess at least I feel something other than empty. I told the person I no longer feel innocent I guess she thought I meant it in a sexual way but really I was saying my mind is filled with vindictive thoughts. My mind is not right, right now. My mind is filled but empty. I knew something was wrong when I would say ‘I’m going to bed’ at 8pm but not actually sleep until 4am. I knew something was wrong when I genuinely didn’t know what was wrong when my doctor had asked me. I just had this horrible feeling deep inside that would not go away. I tried to explain to her what it felt like to go to sleep and still wake up this feeling, feeling like everyone is pulling me in different directions and the only way to even feel a bit better is to go with them. I remember my Doctor asking me how I knew which direction to go in and I knew something was wrong after I said ‘I Don’t’ and she looked at me confused. I Carried on and said I Go with the strongest one. I knew something was wrong when even when I wake up in the morning people at work would say ‘you look tired’, wish I could tell them its because exhaustion won this time around. Maybe tomorrow, next week or even next month and Happiness had the tightest grip around my throat as I rise in the morning. Sounds Ironic doesn’t it? I Could only be happy when it is choking me. I Can only find the urge to smile when I can not breathe. Its Confusing. I’m Confusing, I know. I Cant remember the last time my life wasn’t confusing. I Think the most confusing thing to me right now is that I struggle to tell people I am not Okay or I’m scared to tell people how important they are too me. I Have a hard time saying ‘I Love You’ to certain people and to others its the easiest thing to say. But to be fair its easier to say ‘I Love You’ to people I don’t really love. Where’s the logic in that. I Try avoid saying ‘I Miss You’ and I normally brush it off if someone says it to me. Maybe why that’s why people may feel like I Don’t love them and I apologise for that. Then again, I don’t. I am furious. I’m not sorry but I want you to know that I am if that makes sense. Yea this is confusing. This is what I mean sometimes I wake up in the morning to equally strong forces pulling me, leaving me stuck in the middle. These are probably my good days, because all I End up being is numb. I Like numb. This was supposed to be a letter about missing someone but I decided to distract myself from the thoughts of missing you by discussing my frustration in other things.
Looks like the Theory is true.

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& you didn’t want me.
that’s okay.
you didn’t stay around long.
& that’s cool.
you wasn’t who you said you’d be
& you’re forgiven for that.
but I cannot get my mind around,
the concept that I cant get grip of.
Is you took it upon yourself,
to listen to what I’ve walked through,
and saw me fine alone.
then removed me.
to only put my back there,
leading me down the same road I already painfully walked.
first I blamed myself
as if I asked you to
come around,
act as if it was something it wasn’t
then not care like you continuously mouthed you did.
you wanted so badly for your image to be retouched
that you used me to boost your ego.
did you not know,
you cant destroy me with a weak bullet.
so you using me to make yourself feel better,
or cure your intimate needs
just shows me how you really are.
and you’ve always been.
absent souls never win.
and you will drown in the karma,
you decided to swim within.
and I am willing to watch you suffer.
and its not because you came around,
when I was fine alone
or because you acted as if it was something it wasn’t.
nor because you pretended to care.
its because,
when it all ends.
I will be strong enough to stand here.
cloaked entirely with the love you didn’t take.
and watch you look for the person you decided not to protect.
And call for the name you chose not to defend.