I Stayed

I should of guessed by the way you’d rush to leave because your mum was coming home, that you wasn’t right for me.

I stayed anyway because I thought I needed you.

I stayed even when the little things you did irritated me like telling me you wanted to go to the movies but picked me up only to go to somewhere dark so we could have car sex.

I stayed at yours one night because your mum was away and you wanted someone to cuddle but halfway through the night, you started touching my thigh because ‘you couldn’t help yourself’.

I statyed even when you’d ignore my texts and not reply for a few days.

I stayed with you even after the bruises you left on my thighs and necks because you didn’t see the difference between rough and abuse. Normally you’d laugh it off and tell me I was fine anyway.

The worst part is I’m not even the one that walked away, it was you. You left me. I probably would have stayed as long as I could because you made me think it was love. It wasn’t love, it was a sick, twisted manipulated situation. It was torture so thank you for finally doing something for me and that’s leaving.

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I often ask myself

How many times are you going to leave your heart at abandoned buildings? When did he stop calling? Why did things changed? Do you think he stopped loving you when he realised you had enough love for the both of you? Did he think you wouldn’t break or did he expect you to pick up your own pieces? Maybe he realised you didn’t have a lot of pieces after giving him so many. Sometimes you break before you fall maybe he didn’t realise you was already broken. Do you remember the way his lips formed when he made promises? What made you trust him? Or did you not trust him but wanted too ? I bet you hoped things would get back to normal ? But what is normal to you? Maybe normal is the way things are now, maybe the kisses, the hugs and phone calls that lasted hours was just a phase. Maybe the reason why you stayed so long is because you thought everything he’s doing now is just a phase? Did you even notice how much he became distant ? Of course you did because you asked him what changed and he ignored. Love is supposed to be beautiful, this is not love. You could tell he was heartless, so what made you trust him with yours?

Bad Habit

You always tell me I’m a wanderer, you’ve told me I can’t keep resting my feet at strangers houses.

I tell you I know them, but you know better. You know me well. I know something about nothing when someone says ‘I love reading’ the first thing I do is shift them into a person I used to have, the person I could exchange books with.
I automatically think I’ve figured them out, it’s so wrong of me. The second they mention partying or they don’t enjoy the same music as me, I’ll distance myself. I’ll leave.
I’ll run away because the beds not warm enough or their kisses don’t feel the same, it’s scares me.
Because that’s different, that’s not the person I used to have. I came here to feel at home, not rebuild.
I came over here to start again, not to start over.
That’s probably why I never stay because I never know them like I wanted to think I did. I think I did because my mind can so easily make them into a person I lost in the past. I’m so good with words that I can talk myself into thinking that I have found the person I lost, in this new person I found when they really have no resemblance. I can’t keep looking for you in people.

I’m able to fall in love of the idea of someone, it’s falling in love with the actual person that takes months and years. Maybe someone who is doing the same thing to me, maybe they see me as someone that they love that isn’t around anymore and they are using me just to fill her void and I don’t think I mind that. Maybe I’m just someone’s filler and  I only break someone vicariously and my hands never get blood on them.
Maybe it’s a good thing.

But it’s true.
I can’t keep pretending to be homeless when my house is only 5 minutes away.
I can’t just find another because a crack is on the walls of my room.
I can’t keep doing this to people

I’m Sorry

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Dear You,
I remember being scared to let you in because I knew it would be you that I fell for and even though I fell in love with you, there’s mistakes I made that i didn’t realise i made until you left. See it took you leaving and many nights overthinking till 4am, Sleeping, waking up, Overthinking again, but i get it now. I get why you left and didn’t listen to the excuses why I was not doing right by you, you heard them all before, guess you got bored of watching me stutter as i tried to make up a new reason I couldn’t help my selfish ways.
Im Sorry that when you left, I slammed the door behind you and acted like I didn’t care. I’m Sorry for not being able to see how lucky I was when I had you. I’m just Sorry for not loving you the way you deserved to be loved. I am Sorry for not being the person that you needed, even though I know I could have been if i wasn’t so inconsiderate, and took my time to fix what needed to be fixed. I am Sorry I was only thinking about myself soo much that I stopped thinking of ways to ensure you was happy. I am Sorry that I only started trying as soon as you stopped. I am Sorry I started trying when we both know it was too late. I am Sorry we could never stop hurting each other long enough to prove the truth in every ‘I love you’ we mouthed. I am Sorry my actions never matched the volume of my words. I am Sorry I kept pushing you away even when you continually told me ‘The last thing i want to do is leave you but you just keep pushing me away and I don’t know what to do anymore’. I am Sorry you had to use someone else to fill my void. I am Sorry for the nights you stayed up thinking of reasons why you should stay, I am Sorry that as days went by those reasons lessened. I am Sorry I wasn’t there for when you needed me to be there. I am Sorry I ignored the fact that something was wrong even though I could see the pain in your eyes. I am Sorry you tried your hardest to stay and I am Sorry I  would always respond by shouting the names of people that told me that the would stay but didn’t. I am Sorry you had to tell your whole family that we broke up. I am Sorry that I took out all my past issues on you. I Could write pages about all the things I am Sorry for. Sorry for the constant abandonment and all the nights you went to bed mad. I just couldn’t see where my life was going because I was so caught up in trying not to get hurt, that I only ended up hurting you. I am Sorry I lost the strength to fight for our relationship as soon as I lost my temper. I am Sorry I lost sight of you and the beautiful things we could of built, but I’m done apologising now. I am not Sorry for the time I spent with you. I am not Sorry for how many days we spent doing nothing just laying in bed talking. I am not Sorry for all the money we spent going over our phone bills because we never wanted them to ended. I am not Sorry for all the love we made. I am not Sorry for the ungodly hours we stayed up watching movies and eat junk food. I am not Sorry for letting you in and I’ll never be Sorry for falling in love with you. I am not Sorry for the wasted time, because time never mattered until time was up with you. I hate the fact that everything I am not Sorry for came to an end the day we said are goodbyes, Sorry.

When Pt2

Part 1 here – When Pt1

But I guess I should of guessed,
You stopped loving me awhile ago.
Because it’s been months since you sent me a morning text.
I thought we was making love last time I saw you,
but the look in your eyes wasn’t the same as before.
The glare wasn’t the same
The kisses lessened,
The way you held me wasn’t the same.
I should of known because all the signs were before me.
I’ll message you 2:34pm and I was lucky if I got a reply.
I should of guessed because before 2:36pm wouldn’t pass without your name popping up in my notification bar.

I couldn’t even say I’ve been ‘alright’ without you worrying what happened and why was it just ‘alright’. Alright was never enough for you.
Now even when I told you I weren’t okay or that needed someone to talk to all you would say is ‘I’m too tired, talk to you later’.

I Just should of know when you stopped trying.
When we made plans and never shown up, but I checked your social media and you was out drinking with your friends.
Before you’d rather have just stayed in and watched a movies with me.
I guess you got bored of movies, I guess you found comfort in the loud music and hundred girls that surrounded you every night. I guess my chest was no longer your home.
I guess my love was no longer enough..

I said ‘when’ , when really I should of said ‘I know’ because I knew. I remember sitting across the table from you a few months ago and you must of sensed that I wasn’t listening to you so you asked me what was wrong. I said ‘I don’t feel myself’ and you replied ‘babe, everything will be okay I promise’ and kissed the back of my hand. It’s crazy how much times I’ve replied to that question with the same answer but I guess you got bored because last month was so different, I sat beside you at the dinner table and you was talking again, you paused as you asked me a question and i had no clue what you asked. ‘Sorry, my mind was somewhere else’ I Responded coming back to earth. He sighed ‘not feeling yourself again?’ I nodded as I looked down in shame, I could tell you was fed up by your voice. I could tell by the way the silence filled the car that night.

I knew.
I saw all the signs.
I just didn’t want to believe it.
but my gut feeling never fails me.
I’m just soo good with words I could easily convince myself everything was okay when it wasn’t.

And as I walked out your house and the door slammed behind me, I realised I don’t know where the old me went, what the old me was like or which road I left her on so i could retrace my steps so I could find her again. I just didn’t know who I was anymore other than someone you no longer had the strength to love.

But I guess its my fault,

Because you was lost when i found you.

That was probably where i messed up.

I helped you find yourself but only lost myself in the process.