My friend, you are surviving.

You only really liked your naked body, when he was touching it. You only began to love yourself when he loved you and since he left you forgot how to. You look in the mirror and you barely notice yourself. You begin to play yourself. The 5 songs that you tried soo hard to avoid because of the feeling it gives you. Them songs have now become the songs on repeat. You look through old messages that you should of deleted and now you’re just reminiscing. Your scars reopen and you’re broken again. You’ve gotten yourself through the past few months by using things and people you think you need, but none of that can you distract you anymore. You need to accept, he’s not coming back. The sound of his voice you will eventually forget and his fingerprints will leave your body. All the memories will fade along with the pain. I know it hurts even worse because he’s the only one you’ve opened your palms too, so he could read your past through the creases in them. You let him in and he destroyed you. You’re more stronger than he thought and he thought he could break you down, but he couldn’t have his way with you. That’s strength. Today you may listen to them 5 songs over and over again, you’ll cry but remember tomorrow you will stand again. Even if you don’t, it’s okay because you’re allowed to be upset. You’re allowed to feel hurt. The human mind is not wired to deal with a heart break. It just knows how to survive. And look here you are, surviving ❤

Feels.

I feel like no matter what I do or what I accomplish,
I am never going to find whatever it is I’m missing.
Or maybe I will find it, the answer is just when?

I think it maybe a type of freedom I’m looking for,

but I still can’t find it despite the fact I’m no longer underneath my parents control.

I can’t find it when I’m drunk. 

I dunno what type of out I need but I feel like nothing will be able to give it to me.
I feel like I’m not living life how I should be,

there’s so much others would of accomplished if they were still here living.

My life isn’t some hell on earth

and I don’t mean to portray it like so.

I just don’t understand why things are so difficult for me,

Or maybe I’m making it difficult myself.
Sometimes I feel as though I don’t belong,

Not in a suicidal way. 

I just sometimes don’t feel like I’m using it to its full potential, like I’m wasting it. 

I know I am in fact but I also know I’ve done things to try prevent it but yet sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in it.
I’m so confused, anxious and overwhelmed about nothing but everything. 

I can’t think of a reason but I could list many.

I cant understand myself and why I feel this way. 

I feel numb in a certain type of sadness but I also feel numb when I’m not sad at all. 

It’s true that if you become one thing for so long, you don’t know how to be anything else.
I know how to be happy within a mood but I don’t know how to be happy.

I know how to laugh and actually mean it but I don’t know how to spend the rest of my life this way.
And I know it’s wrong for me to find an reason for everything but that’s what I do. 

and when I can’t figure out a reason, I assume they’re my fault. 

I blame myself for things that are completely out of my control.

I’m sensitive I take things so harsh and personally.

I hate this about myself but what can I do, I can’t stop it.

I’m really tired or being tired and I know that cliche but it’s true, I’m always exhausted.

Maybe it’s because my rooms always dark and I always stay in there.

I don’t know sometimes I feel like I’m putting all this on myself,

but if that’s the case wouldn’t I be able to stop it?

To Whom it may concern

I should of made you wait,  

I was meant too, 

and I did for as long as I can remember. 

You see I let you in to my world but that wasn’t enough for you,

Pouring myself out until I was naked 

but

you wanted to be let in somewhere else. 

Let’s get this right though, 

Cause I remember telling you to wait, 

and you didn’t understand why, 

Something I could relate too 

because I didn’t understand why I’d have to wait hours for a reply. 

I’d open up to you and tell you how I feel,

then you’d push me away and say you got a headache 

but that headache always seemed to disappear when I was screaming your name.

Crazy that the only time I could moan 

was when it was your name.

Silly me – I lit myself on fire to make sure you was warm, 

then you wondered why I was burning and the flames seem to bother you.

How ironic. 

You told me you never really got feelings 

and wasn’t looking for a relationship,

but you seemed to want all of the perks of being one. 

I gave you it all and more,

No title involved.

I gave you that feeling 

and it might of not been in the right place

but it was enough to keep you running back. 

You’d have me round Friday night 

because your friends were all with their girlfriends,

but dawn would past 

And I wasn’t even good enough to receive a good morning text.

I wasn’t good enough to be taken out in public,

but in private you was all over me. 

It’s weird cause I loved the chase, 

but it’s like every time I got closer to you,

you’d push me away, 

as if I was some sort of disease.

I should of really ran away from you but you was a temporary distraction. 

The amount of people that desired what you had,

but I chose you,

wasted time,

energy,

feelings, 

and undeserved pain

I guess me letting your cold body touch mine only made me cold.

I Should of made you wait.

Like I was waiting 

waiting for you
 soo long that I no longer know what I am waiting for..

I suppose I just wanted you to be the person that I see in you.

but maybe my sight was unclear and I was seeing wrong.

I never loved with open arms before,

but I did with you. 

And you needed me so much, 

I stopped giving to myself.

but your pride would allow you to do without me,

if that meant you didn’t crumble,

but i guess it was okay for me to do it for you.

I waited, I did. 

Because even though you acted like you don’t need anyone,

I saw the serenity in your body language when we lay together, 

and you wanted it like I did. 

then when I wasn’t there you lived without me,

cause you are so used to going without, 

Or people leaving you 

That was never my intention. 

Your pride won’t let you say.

Or maybe I’m just seeing things I want to see.

I think hope was the reason I stayed.

no longer can I hold myself back

I can’t keep painting a beautiful image over all your excuses. 

How can you chose me, when I don’t even pick me? 

Here I was

Taking a bullet for someone who was wearing a bullet proof vest – this is exactly how I loved too hard.

Here I was trying to protect someone who didn’t need protecting. 

I should of made you wait the same way I waited. 

Just for you to be for me, what I was to you.

I waited, but today I stopped.

Letter to myself.

I’m sorry it got bad when it was already awful. I don’t know why I let you hold more weight than you can hold, knowing you was already drained and couldn’t bare to lift any of it . I should of never let you cry your self to sleep over people who left because they never knew your worth. I should have reminded you. I don’t know why I even allowed you to settle for someone who continually hurt you and made you believe it was love, as if you couldn’t find better. You’re worth loving, you deserve love. You are loved. You deserve the world. I apologise for allowing people to keep taking from you, when they gave you nothing but disappointment and lies, why I never told you go with your gut feelings, I dunno. I don’t know why I allowed you to blame yourself, knowing you had earthquakes for hands and a heart that beat too loud for something that small. I’m sorry for the days I cared about how you looked in the mirror when you was ill and fighting a battle for me. I wish I would of protected you, from people, viruses and also myself. I’m sorry Depression knocked and I let her in, knowing how weak you was from her last visit. I guess when we built up this wall, we forgot to lock her out. I wish I would of told you -‘this is not the answer’ as you went to the shop to buy alcohol. We already knew the answer wasn’t at the bottom of any of those bottles. I know it got bad, I know you got scared at times. I know you didn’t care if the next day came or not but I’m so proud you’re here today. I’m sorry I made you overthink the simple things instead of letting you enjoy them. I let you question yourself way too much this year but I never meant to. I let you fly but held you back from touching the stars, I promise from today I’ll let go. I promise that from this year forward I’ll give you the strength each day to get out of bed. I will stop making you tolerate anyone or things less than you deserve. You are smart. You are special. You are beautiful. You are essential. I will remember to love you, love you with every ounce of light in me, even when it gets dark. 

I’m sorry it got bad every time it got better but I promise you, one day you’ll achieve everything you’ve been fighting for. I promise as we go into this new year that I’ll cloak you with the love they did not take. I promise you, one day you will wake up and it will all be sooo beautiful.

Why can’t I forget

I still remember how you pursued me and how you convinced me that I was the first person you really had proper feelings for since your last, you told me you feared being attached but you could feel yourself falling for me. Then you disappeared for a week, I didn’t know if it was over or if I was just overthinking things. 2 weeks went and you finally reached out and told me you really cared for me but you thought I deserved more than you, that excuse has never made sense to me and it confused me more when a few weeks went and there was this new person on the scene. I just didn’t get how she deserved you more than I did? It just didn’t make sense to me, I deserved a better excuse than ‘You deserve better than me’. How do you know what I deserve? Didn’t you think I deserved to be get the effort and love back,that I gave to you. I deserved to have what i want and what I wanted was you. It may have sounded good in your head but to me it just sounded like ‘I don’t care enough to do better for you’. I deserved better than a ‘you deserve better’ excuse. I remember that day I walked away telling myself I was done I wasn’t going to chase you for anything else especially a heart I thought you had. Months went by and you messaged me, you told me how sorry you was and that you wanted to start over. I remember replying –

you cant just come back to see what you’re missing just because you miss the times I needed you to put be back together. You ruined all these parts of me and I had to put them back together and now you come back like I’m an art piece you have too see. I can’t afford to go through that again

but it was you and I don’t even know how you was able to convince me to come back, its as though I forgot how hard it was to put myself back together. I remember we argued one night and I was yelling about how quick you was too replace me. I told you I felt like I was not good enough. You responded by hugging me tight and telling me I was good enough and you pleaded me to forgive you, telling me you messed up and you was sorry. You told me about your last heartbreak and how much it killed you that you could never go through it again, you made me promise that I would never do the same to you. I promised that I wouldn’t and you knew I always kept to my word, but I should of made you promise me the same too because a months went by and things began to change again, you began to distance yourself. I told you things felt like they was changing, you told me that you didn’t want this anymore, You thought you did but you didn’t. You told me that I was a distraction at one point, but I was starting to become baggage that just began to weigh you down. Again I broke and I was left pick up all the pieces and the only one I could blame is myself.  I started to understand why you took so long to respond when I said ‘I love you’ and it began to make sense as to why you you’d sigh when I use to say little things just to gain reassurance and how fucking convenient is it that I’m the only one that can’t seem to forget it all.

Thank You

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So here we are, humans. Our parents told us to be whoever we want to be. They tell us to find ourselves and treat people how we would like to be treated. They tell us to say ‘please’ when we want something and say ‘Thank you’ when people do things such as, open the door for us. So here I am, travelling through life doing what I want taught to do, live my life and be myself. I walk around smiling even when I’m not happy, I try to live my life to the fullest because at the end of the day I’m still alive. Some people may find it weird, that no matter what I’m always happy. I love being free. Every step I take I am moving on in life and its so short but beautiful, but also sometimes hard. But never forget we’re alive. Our path is always taking us somewhere, even if its a dead end. We walk at our own speed, we don’t need signs to tell us how fast we can or can’t go because we are all going at our own pace. Not every dead end road is a bad thing and sometimes your greatest ideas come at a red light. I never want to stop moving. I never want to turn around and go back because the past will always look more wonderful then the present when it is the only thing you think about but once you start to think about the present and the future, without looking back, things start happening. You can’t move forward, when all you think about is the past. The past cannot be changed. A lot of us are lucky we have friends and family that have never left us because people leave all the time. Some of us have heard all the ‘I’m leaving you’ speeches and I’m sorry to all the people who had people leave them without saying goodbye. Leaving should never be done in silence but it happens and you’ll probably always have memories of them. How many times are you going to sit down and ponder on reasons why they could have left? Let go because people do leave and it doesn’t get any easier but we have to move on, for ourselves. We cannot keep holding ourselves back in the past when we have a future to look forward too. I was taught to say ‘Thank you’ when someone opens the door for us but this is me sincerely thanking you for closing the door behind me.

Bad Habit

You always tell me I’m a wanderer, you’ve told me I can’t keep resting my feet at strangers houses.

I tell you I know them, but you know better. You know me well. I know something about nothing when someone says ‘I love reading’ the first thing I do is shift them into a person I used to have, the person I could exchange books with.
I automatically think I’ve figured them out, it’s so wrong of me. The second they mention partying or they don’t enjoy the same music as me, I’ll distance myself. I’ll leave.
I’ll run away because the beds not warm enough or their kisses don’t feel the same, it’s scares me.
Because that’s different, that’s not the person I used to have. I came here to feel at home, not rebuild.
I came over here to start again, not to start over.
That’s probably why I never stay because I never know them like I wanted to think I did. I think I did because my mind can so easily make them into a person I lost in the past. I’m so good with words that I can talk myself into thinking that I have found the person I lost, in this new person I found when they really have no resemblance. I can’t keep looking for you in people.

I’m able to fall in love of the idea of someone, it’s falling in love with the actual person that takes months and years. Maybe someone who is doing the same thing to me, maybe they see me as someone that they love that isn’t around anymore and they are using me just to fill her void and I don’t think I mind that. Maybe I’m just someone’s filler and  I only break someone vicariously and my hands never get blood on them.
Maybe it’s a good thing.

But it’s true.
I can’t keep pretending to be homeless when my house is only 5 minutes away.
I can’t just find another because a crack is on the walls of my room.
I can’t keep doing this to people

Letting go

I think I’ve spent a lot of my life fighting for things and people. Its said that if its meant to be, then it will be and there is no reason to fight for something because its probably just not meant to be. But me, I feel like whats meant to be, you should fight for it. If you want something, go get it. I’ve fought for people and things a lot. My way of thinking maybe considered different because i feel as though if something is meant to be and i was to give up because it didn’t come naturally, it would be much worse to come to the realization  than the realization that i fought for something that’s not meant to be. I’d rather fight for whats meant to be and understand why it wasn’t meant to be instead of just let go because it didnt come naturally. Everything i want is worth battling for and i tend to do that with everything i want. I’ve came across a quote that said –

‘How strong a person you are depends on how easily you let go of things not meant for you’

I tried letting go of things, not fighting for things. It just wasn’t me. I don’t let go easy and yes it may be my downfall. I don’t let go until I’m tired and even with every time I chase i feel as though I’m not catching up. Then I let go, maybe or i might try find another way to get them or it. I never give up but remember letting go and giving up are so different. People ask me

‘Why are you still fighting for someone that clearly doesnt want you’

‘Why are you scared to give up’

‘Don’t you think if its meant to be, you’d have it already’

Anything along them lines. I always end up saying –

‘I don’t let go of things just because the dont come naturally. I’ll let go when things have seemed to let go of me and I no longer have the strength to fight anymore. I have severed all ways to still hang on – Only then will i let go’

‘Please never forget’

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When you spend a lot of time running, something very weird happens when you meet someone who makes you want to stay.

When you’ve been running so long you don’t really care about things, such as your future. You don’t really think about getting married and how good someone may look as they walk down the isle to meet you.

When you’re always running the only thing you really concern yourself with, is not concerning in anything at all. You just convince yourself that you’re invincible, that fear and vulnerability will never be able to catch up to you. You never stay long enough because you don’t want to catch feelings. You tell yourself you’re not scared of much when really, getting attached frightens you. You leave without reason, you even pierce or tattoo your skin just to prove that you’re not scared of anything.

When you keep running, you wish you could apologise for the people that you’ve led on and broken on the way, but you don’t want to hear ‘I forgive you, please come back’. Guilt is too risky for someone like you. You try to remain in the shallow side because every time things get deep your past begins to drown you. How many people have you hurt or let down? How many people are afraid to  love again just because you didn’t stay long enough and left without any reason? You convince yourself you don’t care. How many bodies have these people woken up beside just to kill the memory of you? You spend time dating, cuddling, kissing people, waking up next to people but always seem to have disappeared before they build up the courage to say ‘I love you’. They’re all liars anyway, how can someone love you when they don’t even really know you?

All this running but see something foreign happens when you meet someone that makes you want to stay around. Your fears begin to come out from the dark. The way they say your name, The way they remind you it’s okay to feel. The way you find comfort in their arms. You don’t care what anyone thinks and you’re okay with all the hearts you broke because it led you to this person right here. You’ve now become an ‘We’ instead of an ‘I’. Someone has now taught you to be scared of things you never were scared of before but also be fearless at the same time. You have your heart in your hands and their hands in your hair. You now finally imagine meeting someone at the isle. When you learn how to stay eventually the only thing you become scared of is  forgetting. Getting drunk together and hearing your first ‘I love you’. The date when you both viewed the city from a distance and they said ‘There’s no place I’d rather be than here with you’. The way they kissed you on your lips after they said it and the smile they gave you after. The way they roll onto you, to wake you up. The way their hands stroke your face as they say ‘I’m not going anywhere, Okay?’, just after you finally tell them your fear is losing them. This soft person you have become, feeling has never felt soo beautiful. Every little memory matters now and you really don’t want to forget anything, such as their smell, how cold their hands were but how lovely they felt on your skin. ‘Please never forget’ I say in my mind before I go to sleep. I think of all the times he’s forgiven me and I really can’t bare to forget each time he said ‘it’s okay, I forgive you’. I think about how beautiful he looks and how beautiful he makes me feel. He’s the reason for all these beautiful thoughts and if I forget him, I forget everything. Forgetting has never frightened me so much, this fear caught up to me as soon as I found a place to sleep in his arms.

When you’ve been running your whole life, something happens when you meet someone who makes you want to stay.

You start hoping to remember everything.

The Theory – 23/10/16

not sure how to even begin this, but I guess what first comes to mind is the theory in psychology where you’re meant to distract yourself from a certain pain. They say if you focus long enough on something else you can side track yourself it. With that being said, I’ve been distracting myself, keeping busy . Busy working, sleeping, watching YouTube tutorials, doing whatever it is that I can to keep my mind occupied with. Sometimes my busy turns into an encounter with laziness and those days are the worst time but God knows I’ve been busy and by busy i mean distracted. Half the time when i tell people I’ve been busy distracting myself they say ‘from what’ and normally i say ‘everything’. General issues are easier to describe and get into because everyone seems to relate to distracting yourself from them. If i was honest, If i actually told people that ask what i was distracting myself from they’d be confused. Confused because I’ve never said anything, they’d try to give me some sort of advice and wonder when it got so deep, why i never spoke to them about it. I wonder too. I have spoken to one person though and she told me to do whats best for me. The ‘healthy’ option. The option that will make me happy, but that is the issue, i  don’t know what option will make me happy. I walked home after that conversation and my mind was even more baffled, because every option included a form of loss whether it was my pride or a person. I wasn’t even paying attention to the road, because i just didn’t care, i forgot for a second there was a moving world surrounding me. The road was a straight path with nothing but blurred walls. ‘Why do i feel so empty’ my mind screamed at me. Every time i think of my life whole its always with someone and that just makes me feel more low, why can’t I feel whole alone? I wouldn’t say this is healthy, but I guess at least I feel something other than empty. I told the person I no longer feel innocent I guess she thought I meant it in a sexual way but really I was saying my mind is filled with vindictive thoughts. My mind is not right, right now. My mind is filled but empty. I knew something was wrong when I would say ‘I’m going to bed’ at 8pm but not actually sleep until 4am. I knew something was wrong when I genuinely didn’t know what was wrong when my doctor had asked me. I just had this horrible feeling deep inside that would not go away. I tried to explain to her what it felt like to go to sleep and still wake up this feeling, feeling like everyone is pulling me in different directions and the only way to even feel a bit better is to go with them. I remember my Doctor asking me how I knew which direction to go in and I knew something was wrong after I said ‘I Don’t’ and she looked at me confused. I Carried on and said I Go with the strongest one. I knew something was wrong when even when I wake up in the morning people at work would say ‘you look tired’, wish I could tell them its because exhaustion won this time around. Maybe tomorrow, next week or even next month and Happiness had the tightest grip around my throat as I rise in the morning. Sounds Ironic doesn’t it? I Could only be happy when it is choking me. I Can only find the urge to smile when I can not breathe. Its Confusing. I’m Confusing, I know. I Cant remember the last time my life wasn’t confusing. I Think the most confusing thing to me right now is that I struggle to tell people I am not Okay or I’m scared to tell people how important they are too me. I Have a hard time saying ‘I Love You’ to certain people and to others its the easiest thing to say. But to be fair its easier to say ‘I Love You’ to people I don’t really love. Where’s the logic in that. I Try avoid saying ‘I Miss You’ and I normally brush it off if someone says it to me. Maybe why that’s why people may feel like I Don’t love them and I apologise for that. Then again, I don’t. I am furious. I’m not sorry but I want you to know that I am if that makes sense. Yea this is confusing. This is what I mean sometimes I wake up in the morning to equally strong forces pulling me, leaving me stuck in the middle. These are probably my good days, because all I End up being is numb. I Like numb. This was supposed to be a letter about missing someone but I decided to distract myself from the thoughts of missing you by discussing my frustration in other things.
Looks like the Theory is true.