My Person

He can’t start over with someone else because no one will ever love him like I do. No one will ever care how much as I did to ask questions about his past, like when his dad left and how he felt. No one will ever be able to understand why he can’t stop his possessive ways and I don’t want them to. I don’t want her to ever experience his hand playing in her hair as she lay on his chest. I don’t want her to randomly get a ‘be ready in a hour’ text. I don’t want her to feel comfort in the arms that was able to make me feel so safe, that’s my safe place. I don’t want him to be loyal to her, he was meant to be loyal to me. I don’t want her to hear him reciting the lyrics to his favourite songs and I sure don’t want them driving around to the same songs I introduced to him to. She won’t ever know where the scar under his eye came from. I don’t want them to think about their future and argue about things like what they want their future children’s name to be. I don’t want her to be able to wake up to long messages most mornings, telling her how much he appreciates her. I don’t want her to be able to experience him breathing down her neck as he lay asleep. I don’t want her to watch him peacefully sleep and stare at his beautiful face, admiring how lucky she is. How much she loves him. I love him. I don’t want her to ever experience the love and affection I got from him. I don’t want her to be able to witness his annoying side, no matter how much I would complain at the time. I know I don’t always show him how much I care about him but he can’t move on. I can’t allow anyone to know him the way I do. I don’t want anyone to feel lucky to have him because that’s my boy. And that’s my person.

I often ask myself

How many times are you going to leave your heart at abandoned buildings? When did he stop calling? Why did things changed? Do you think he stopped loving you when he realised you had enough love for the both of you? Did he think you wouldn’t break or did he expect you to pick up your own pieces? Maybe he realised you didn’t have a lot of pieces after giving him so many. Sometimes you break before you fall maybe he didn’t realise you was already broken. Do you remember the way his lips formed when he made promises? What made you trust him? Or did you not trust him but wanted too ? I bet you hoped things would get back to normal ? But what is normal to you? Maybe normal is the way things are now, maybe the kisses, the hugs and phone calls that lasted hours was just a phase. Maybe the reason why you stayed so long is because you thought everything he’s doing now is just a phase? Did you even notice how much he became distant ? Of course you did because you asked him what changed and he ignored. Love is supposed to be beautiful, this is not love. You could tell he was heartless, so what made you trust him with yours?

If Someone is uncertain about you..

If someone is uncertain about you, leave. Leave if they don’t love you, leave even if they do ‘love’ you. Leave even if you ‘love’ them because let me tell you this love is not built on uncertainty. If someone hesitates to pick you, leave. Leave and they will soon realise how certain they should of been. How bad they messed up the one good thing they had. They will find them self subconsciously searching for you in other people and not be able to find all you of you in any of them. They will realise there’s only one you out there and that is what will hurt them the most and if they come back, give them a chance but don’t you dare give them a third. Love is not meant to be uncertain. I Know that because when I look at you, it will never be same with anyone else. I’ll never be the same with anyone else.

Letting go

I think I’ve spent a lot of my life fighting for things and people. Its said that if its meant to be, then it will be and there is no reason to fight for something because its probably just not meant to be. But me, I feel like whats meant to be, you should fight for it. If you want something, go get it. I’ve fought for people and things a lot. My way of thinking maybe considered different because i feel as though if something is meant to be and i was to give up because it didn’t come naturally, it would be much worse to come to the realization  than the realization that i fought for something that’s not meant to be. I’d rather fight for whats meant to be and understand why it wasn’t meant to be instead of just let go because it didnt come naturally. Everything i want is worth battling for and i tend to do that with everything i want. I’ve came across a quote that said –

‘How strong a person you are depends on how easily you let go of things not meant for you’

I tried letting go of things, not fighting for things. It just wasn’t me. I don’t let go easy and yes it may be my downfall. I don’t let go until I’m tired and even with every time I chase i feel as though I’m not catching up. Then I let go, maybe or i might try find another way to get them or it. I never give up but remember letting go and giving up are so different. People ask me

‘Why are you still fighting for someone that clearly doesnt want you’

‘Why are you scared to give up’

‘Don’t you think if its meant to be, you’d have it already’

Anything along them lines. I always end up saying –

‘I don’t let go of things just because the dont come naturally. I’ll let go when things have seemed to let go of me and I no longer have the strength to fight anymore. I have severed all ways to still hang on – Only then will i let go’

‘Please never forget’

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When you spend a lot of time running, something very weird happens when you meet someone who makes you want to stay.

When you’ve been running so long you don’t really care about things, such as your future. You don’t really think about getting married and how good someone may look as they walk down the isle to meet you.

When you’re always running the only thing you really concern yourself with, is not concerning in anything at all. You just convince yourself that you’re invincible, that fear and vulnerability will never be able to catch up to you. You never stay long enough because you don’t want to catch feelings. You tell yourself you’re not scared of much when really, getting attached frightens you. You leave without reason, you even pierce or tattoo your skin just to prove that you’re not scared of anything.

When you keep running, you wish you could apologise for the people that you’ve led on and broken on the way, but you don’t want to hear ‘I forgive you, please come back’. Guilt is too risky for someone like you. You try to remain in the shallow side because every time things get deep your past begins to drown you. How many people have you hurt or let down? How many people are afraid to  love again just because you didn’t stay long enough and left without any reason? You convince yourself you don’t care. How many bodies have these people woken up beside just to kill the memory of you? You spend time dating, cuddling, kissing people, waking up next to people but always seem to have disappeared before they build up the courage to say ‘I love you’. They’re all liars anyway, how can someone love you when they don’t even really know you?

All this running but see something foreign happens when you meet someone that makes you want to stay around. Your fears begin to come out from the dark. The way they say your name, The way they remind you it’s okay to feel. The way you find comfort in their arms. You don’t care what anyone thinks and you’re okay with all the hearts you broke because it led you to this person right here. You’ve now become an ‘We’ instead of an ‘I’. Someone has now taught you to be scared of things you never were scared of before but also be fearless at the same time. You have your heart in your hands and their hands in your hair. You now finally imagine meeting someone at the isle. When you learn how to stay eventually the only thing you become scared of is  forgetting. Getting drunk together and hearing your first ‘I love you’. The date when you both viewed the city from a distance and they said ‘There’s no place I’d rather be than here with you’. The way they kissed you on your lips after they said it and the smile they gave you after. The way they roll onto you, to wake you up. The way their hands stroke your face as they say ‘I’m not going anywhere, Okay?’, just after you finally tell them your fear is losing them. This soft person you have become, feeling has never felt soo beautiful. Every little memory matters now and you really don’t want to forget anything, such as their smell, how cold their hands were but how lovely they felt on your skin. ‘Please never forget’ I say in my mind before I go to sleep. I think of all the times he’s forgiven me and I really can’t bare to forget each time he said ‘it’s okay, I forgive you’. I think about how beautiful he looks and how beautiful he makes me feel. He’s the reason for all these beautiful thoughts and if I forget him, I forget everything. Forgetting has never frightened me so much, this fear caught up to me as soon as I found a place to sleep in his arms.

When you’ve been running your whole life, something happens when you meet someone who makes you want to stay.

You start hoping to remember everything.

Him Vs Her

‘I love you’ she whispered as lay on his chest.

He didn’t respond, she waited but he lay quiet. She looked up at him.

‘Did you hear me?’

He nodded, guilt filled his eyes and he moved from under her.

‘I’m Sorry’

Holding back tears she held his hand and responded

‘Dont Be’

That night they made endless love

 

We are talking about a lady who has been hurt repeatedly, but still pleads to be loved. She’s had a lot of attention in the past, but this is different after such a long time of searching this boy has leased the commitment she yearns. Now shes finally clutched the feeling of being alive again, she is not scared to lose pride and tell this boy she loves him and she would do anything to make him love her back even if it means having sex with him, she ‘ll do anything for him to feel the same. She cannot lose this feeling and does not want to give up so will do all she can to do to make him stay. She cant give up because shes never been rewarded like this her entire search, this one is different. She demands to be loved by him and wants him to know exactly how he feels but she also knows love is about being understanding and even though she has no clue why he won’t say it back, she doesn’t question him in fear she will scare him off. At this moment she is taking a chance, hoping that this will be her last. Hoping he finds love within her insides.

We are speaking of a guy who is scared to fall in love, because when he loves he loves deep. Deeper than most. He is scared of being attached and even though he knows this girl is potentionally right for him, he just doesn’t understand what love is to say it back. We are talking about a guy who’s never had the type of relationship with his mum where he heard or even voiced the words ‘i love you too’. That is why he says ‘sorry’, he’s been in this situation before and he knows where this is about to lead but before it happens and he hurts her as well as himself, he apologies. Not only to her but to himself, he wants to love her but he so badly wants to protect himself he avoids it, he hurts himself before anyone else has the chance to hurt him and as they make this endless love, he wanted to find a reason to stay and why this one would be different -but none of the answers came as he lay in between her legs.