My friend, you are surviving.

You only really liked your naked body, when he was touching it. You only began to love yourself when he loved you and since he left you forgot how to. You look in the mirror and you barely notice yourself. You begin to play yourself. The 5 songs that you tried soo hard to avoid because of the feeling it gives you. Them songs have now become the songs on repeat. You look through old messages that you should of deleted and now you’re just reminiscing. Your scars reopen and you’re broken again. You’ve gotten yourself through the past few months by using things and people you think you need, but none of that can you distract you anymore. You need to accept, he’s not coming back. The sound of his voice you will eventually forget and his fingerprints will leave your body. All the memories will fade along with the pain. I know it hurts even worse because he’s the only one you’ve opened your palms too, so he could read your past through the creases in them. You let him in and he destroyed you. You’re more stronger than he thought and he thought he could break you down, but he couldn’t have his way with you. That’s strength. Today you may listen to them 5 songs over and over again, you’ll cry but remember tomorrow you will stand again. Even if you don’t, it’s okay because you’re allowed to be upset. You’re allowed to feel hurt. The human mind is not wired to deal with a heart break. It just knows how to survive. And look here you are, surviving ❤

Feels.

I feel like no matter what I do or what I accomplish,
I am never going to find whatever it is I’m missing.
Or maybe I will find it, the answer is just when?

I think it maybe a type of freedom I’m looking for,

but I still can’t find it despite the fact I’m no longer underneath my parents control.

I can’t find it when I’m drunk. 

I dunno what type of out I need but I feel like nothing will be able to give it to me.
I feel like I’m not living life how I should be,

there’s so much others would of accomplished if they were still here living.

My life isn’t some hell on earth

and I don’t mean to portray it like so.

I just don’t understand why things are so difficult for me,

Or maybe I’m making it difficult myself.
Sometimes I feel as though I don’t belong,

Not in a suicidal way. 

I just sometimes don’t feel like I’m using it to its full potential, like I’m wasting it. 

I know I am in fact but I also know I’ve done things to try prevent it but yet sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in it.
I’m so confused, anxious and overwhelmed about nothing but everything. 

I can’t think of a reason but I could list many.

I cant understand myself and why I feel this way. 

I feel numb in a certain type of sadness but I also feel numb when I’m not sad at all. 

It’s true that if you become one thing for so long, you don’t know how to be anything else.
I know how to be happy within a mood but I don’t know how to be happy.

I know how to laugh and actually mean it but I don’t know how to spend the rest of my life this way.
And I know it’s wrong for me to find an reason for everything but that’s what I do. 

and when I can’t figure out a reason, I assume they’re my fault. 

I blame myself for things that are completely out of my control.

I’m sensitive I take things so harsh and personally.

I hate this about myself but what can I do, I can’t stop it.

I’m really tired or being tired and I know that cliche but it’s true, I’m always exhausted.

Maybe it’s because my rooms always dark and I always stay in there.

I don’t know sometimes I feel like I’m putting all this on myself,

but if that’s the case wouldn’t I be able to stop it?

Modern Heartbreak

Modern heartbreak is seeing your message was read at 3:15pm but it’s 9:09pm and you’ve still had no reply. You start drafting messages of what you want to say but begin to think is there any point. Checking their twitter and Snapchat to see if they’ve posted anything and in most cases they have. Then you’re left thinking that you should delete the persons number but if you do that you’ll never see their display picture change on whatsapp. They’ll never see the quotes you put up or the new profile picture you took, where you look stunning. Modern break up is the unfollowing and the blocking. Modern breakup is checking twitter favourites to see who’s pictures they liked and sometimes it even directs you to the new person in their life. Modern break up is going on Snapchat and seeing him out on a meal and all you can see is a female hand, you watch it over and over again hoping your eyes are deceiving you but they aren’t. Across from him is actually a female, that’s not you. That Snapchat battle of who can make each other jealous, which you know wont end well. That one story you posted, that’s nearly expired and they still haven’t watched it but has been posting all day. Modern break up is going through your camera roll and seeing old screenshots of when things were so good and you have to question yourself, asking yourself ‘what happened’. It’s the checking to see if the persons been online every couple hours. Modern heartbreak is unfollowing them but seeing them still pop up on your twitter feed and you know you’ll see something you don’t want to see if you go on their page but you go on it anyway. Modern heartbreak is messy and no matter how much you try to escape the person, somewhere somehow there’s always a reminder.

Missing Person

I grew up believing that I was born with something broken inside of me, something that my mother tried soo hard to fix that she forgot to fix herself.

I wonder if the doctors realised my shoulders was too weak to bare the weight of absence.

I used to tell myself that’s why he’s not around.

That one day he realised I wouldn’t be able to handle losing love so he left before becoming that loss.

I wonder if he would have still left if he knew that over twenty years down the line, the weight of his absence would still be so heavy. That the only way to lighten the hurt would be to distance myself from the person I was becoming without him.

I think my mum thought that if she told me she loves me enough times, she could try to replace the love I was missing, she tried. I mean she really did, but it just didn’t work. I know she thought she had enough love for the both of us but it never filled the absence. When a parent is absent by choice, there’s always going to be something missing. Questions unanswered.

I don’t even know what my father looks like, but my mum has told me several times I look just like him. That part of his face found a home on mine and sometimes she won’t look at me, and I wonder if it’s because every time she looks at me, I just remind her of the person that broke her heart?

Who knows..

And for a long while I’d search his name in the search bar on Google, because all I wanted to do was show him the scars on my knees from learning how to ride a bike all by myself.

One day I am going to let him know, the only thing he gave to me was the inability to trust.

One day I going to tell him, that all the lessons that he was meant to teach me about boys I had to learn myself.

I wonder if he would even look into my eyes because he’d only be staring into the eyes of his own and know that he is the reason why they are soo empty.

Even though it’s been years, I always seem make excuses for him, like maybe he never called because it slipped his mind. Plus who else would I have gotten my  poor memory from because I knew it wasn’t from my mum, my mother remembered everything.

They say you can’t miss someone you never met and I’m living proof that’s a lie because Its been over twenty years and I still think I can feel my fathers hand holding mine.

I still have the cards I made you from nursery up until I was 8. I think I was 8 when I finally realised you probably would never show up to receive your Father’s Day card, Christmas card or anything I made for you.

I realised that some people are lucky to live with both parents and some children have two houses as their parents split but both parents was a big part of their child’s life.

Then there was me, the unlucky one. One Parent and One House.

I just wish he would of shown up to at least ONE of my birthdays. I grew up saying my fathers name as I blew out the candles that were never lit by him.

I grew up thinking that he wasn’t there to see my first breath because It would be hard for him to stick to the plan. The plan to save me from a loss that’s too great for me to hold. I told myself he couldn’t bear to watch his daughter grow up, knowing that some day his time would come he’d have to leave and it would ruin me.

I told myself he was a good man.

I told myself he didn’t want to be a part of my life if he couldn’t witness all of it.

I told myself that some men just don’t know how to be fathers,

I told myself that until I found out he had another daughter.

You know how the small the world is,  my mum ran into someone in the grocery store who then told my mum my father just had his third child.

Third?

I didn’t know how to take it.

I began to envy them because they’ll never have to learn how to ride a bike by themselves, blow out candles and wish for him to return. They won’t have the long term issues like – Do you know how hard it is to let someone love you when the person who’s meant to wouldn’t?

It’s soo hard to love someone when the person you loved, didn’t want it.

I can’t wait for the day I meet this man.

One day I’ll introduce myself and tell him I have met him in every person I have loved and watched leave.

One day I’ll face him,

but for now I’ll just go on his Facebook that I finally found and look through pictures,

With him, his 3 kids and wife

and wonder how come he loved them but never loved me.

My Person

He can’t start over with someone else because no one will ever love him like I do. No one will ever care how much as I did to ask questions about his past, like when his dad left and how he felt. No one will ever be able to understand why he can’t stop his possessive ways and I don’t want them to. I don’t want her to ever experience his hand playing in her hair as she lay on his chest. I don’t want her to randomly get a ‘be ready in a hour’ text. I don’t want her to feel comfort in the arms that was able to make me feel so safe, that’s my safe place. I don’t want him to be loyal to her, he was meant to be loyal to me. I don’t want her to hear him reciting the lyrics to his favourite songs and I sure don’t want them driving around to the same songs I introduced to him to. She won’t ever know where the scar under his eye came from. I don’t want them to think about their future and argue about things like what they want their future children’s name to be. I don’t want her to be able to wake up to long messages most mornings, telling her how much he appreciates her. I don’t want her to be able to experience him breathing down her neck as he lay asleep. I don’t want her to watch him peacefully sleep and stare at his beautiful face, admiring how lucky she is. How much she loves him. I love him. I don’t want her to ever experience the love and affection I got from him. I don’t want her to be able to witness his annoying side, no matter how much I would complain at the time. I know I don’t always show him how much I care about him but he can’t move on. I can’t allow anyone to know him the way I do. I don’t want anyone to feel lucky to have him because that’s my boy. And that’s my person.

Letter To My Ex

I hate you for making it hard for me to fall in love with somebody else, you left me hanging, ruined my whole trust and now every person that comes along, just reminds me of how you treated me and makes me not want to let anyone in. I’m reluctant to let down these walls, I meet people and as soon as I start to feel as though Im getting attached, I run off. No matter how good  the person maybe.
I hate you for every time my friends had to pick me up and take me somewhere just to get my mind off things. All the times I woke up at dumb hours of the night calling them because I needed to vent. I hate you for my friends for being able to actually tell me ‘I told you so’.
I hate you for the brusies . You never hit me but you did just as bad. You left a scar and I feel as though its never going to heal.
I hate you for the time I hugged my mum and she told me she hates seeing me like this. I think she realised her little girl was no longer the same. I hate you for all the shoulders you made cry on and the fact none of them was ever yours
I hate you for not giving me the love and respect i deserved and made the words ‘I love you’ difficult to leave my mouth
I hate the fact that everywhere I walk I can never get rid of your scent.
I hate you for everything you put me through.
And I just want to let you know, that the bridge is burnt so no matter if you come to realise that you’ll never find anyone that loved you like i did, it will be too late. The bridge is burnt now and I promise we will never cross paths again.

Bad Habit

You always tell me I’m a wanderer, you’ve told me I can’t keep resting my feet at strangers houses.

I tell you I know them, but you know better. You know me well. I know something about nothing when someone says ‘I love reading’ the first thing I do is shift them into a person I used to have, the person I could exchange books with.
I automatically think I’ve figured them out, it’s so wrong of me. The second they mention partying or they don’t enjoy the same music as me, I’ll distance myself. I’ll leave.
I’ll run away because the beds not warm enough or their kisses don’t feel the same, it’s scares me.
Because that’s different, that’s not the person I used to have. I came here to feel at home, not rebuild.
I came over here to start again, not to start over.
That’s probably why I never stay because I never know them like I wanted to think I did. I think I did because my mind can so easily make them into a person I lost in the past. I’m so good with words that I can talk myself into thinking that I have found the person I lost, in this new person I found when they really have no resemblance. I can’t keep looking for you in people.

I’m able to fall in love of the idea of someone, it’s falling in love with the actual person that takes months and years. Maybe someone who is doing the same thing to me, maybe they see me as someone that they love that isn’t around anymore and they are using me just to fill her void and I don’t think I mind that. Maybe I’m just someone’s filler and  I only break someone vicariously and my hands never get blood on them.
Maybe it’s a good thing.

But it’s true.
I can’t keep pretending to be homeless when my house is only 5 minutes away.
I can’t just find another because a crack is on the walls of my room.
I can’t keep doing this to people

Letting go

I think I’ve spent a lot of my life fighting for things and people. Its said that if its meant to be, then it will be and there is no reason to fight for something because its probably just not meant to be. But me, I feel like whats meant to be, you should fight for it. If you want something, go get it. I’ve fought for people and things a lot. My way of thinking maybe considered different because i feel as though if something is meant to be and i was to give up because it didn’t come naturally, it would be much worse to come to the realization  than the realization that i fought for something that’s not meant to be. I’d rather fight for whats meant to be and understand why it wasn’t meant to be instead of just let go because it didnt come naturally. Everything i want is worth battling for and i tend to do that with everything i want. I’ve came across a quote that said –

‘How strong a person you are depends on how easily you let go of things not meant for you’

I tried letting go of things, not fighting for things. It just wasn’t me. I don’t let go easy and yes it may be my downfall. I don’t let go until I’m tired and even with every time I chase i feel as though I’m not catching up. Then I let go, maybe or i might try find another way to get them or it. I never give up but remember letting go and giving up are so different. People ask me

‘Why are you still fighting for someone that clearly doesnt want you’

‘Why are you scared to give up’

‘Don’t you think if its meant to be, you’d have it already’

Anything along them lines. I always end up saying –

‘I don’t let go of things just because the dont come naturally. I’ll let go when things have seemed to let go of me and I no longer have the strength to fight anymore. I have severed all ways to still hang on – Only then will i let go’

When Pt2

Part 1 here – When Pt1

But I guess I should of guessed,
You stopped loving me awhile ago.
Because it’s been months since you sent me a morning text.
I thought we was making love last time I saw you,
but the look in your eyes wasn’t the same as before.
The glare wasn’t the same
The kisses lessened,
The way you held me wasn’t the same.
I should of known because all the signs were before me.
I’ll message you 2:34pm and I was lucky if I got a reply.
I should of guessed because before 2:36pm wouldn’t pass without your name popping up in my notification bar.

I couldn’t even say I’ve been ‘alright’ without you worrying what happened and why was it just ‘alright’. Alright was never enough for you.
Now even when I told you I weren’t okay or that needed someone to talk to all you would say is ‘I’m too tired, talk to you later’.

I Just should of know when you stopped trying.
When we made plans and never shown up, but I checked your social media and you was out drinking with your friends.
Before you’d rather have just stayed in and watched a movies with me.
I guess you got bored of movies, I guess you found comfort in the loud music and hundred girls that surrounded you every night. I guess my chest was no longer your home.
I guess my love was no longer enough..

I said ‘when’ , when really I should of said ‘I know’ because I knew. I remember sitting across the table from you a few months ago and you must of sensed that I wasn’t listening to you so you asked me what was wrong. I said ‘I don’t feel myself’ and you replied ‘babe, everything will be okay I promise’ and kissed the back of my hand. It’s crazy how much times I’ve replied to that question with the same answer but I guess you got bored because last month was so different, I sat beside you at the dinner table and you was talking again, you paused as you asked me a question and i had no clue what you asked. ‘Sorry, my mind was somewhere else’ I Responded coming back to earth. He sighed ‘not feeling yourself again?’ I nodded as I looked down in shame, I could tell you was fed up by your voice. I could tell by the way the silence filled the car that night.

I knew.
I saw all the signs.
I just didn’t want to believe it.
but my gut feeling never fails me.
I’m just soo good with words I could easily convince myself everything was okay when it wasn’t.

And as I walked out your house and the door slammed behind me, I realised I don’t know where the old me went, what the old me was like or which road I left her on so i could retrace my steps so I could find her again. I just didn’t know who I was anymore other than someone you no longer had the strength to love.

But I guess its my fault,

Because you was lost when i found you.

That was probably where i messed up.

I helped you find yourself but only lost myself in the process.

Him Vs Her

‘I love you’ she whispered as lay on his chest.

He didn’t respond, she waited but he lay quiet. She looked up at him.

‘Did you hear me?’

He nodded, guilt filled his eyes and he moved from under her.

‘I’m Sorry’

Holding back tears she held his hand and responded

‘Dont Be’

That night they made endless love

 

We are talking about a lady who has been hurt repeatedly, but still pleads to be loved. She’s had a lot of attention in the past, but this is different after such a long time of searching this boy has leased the commitment she yearns. Now shes finally clutched the feeling of being alive again, she is not scared to lose pride and tell this boy she loves him and she would do anything to make him love her back even if it means having sex with him, she ‘ll do anything for him to feel the same. She cannot lose this feeling and does not want to give up so will do all she can to do to make him stay. She cant give up because shes never been rewarded like this her entire search, this one is different. She demands to be loved by him and wants him to know exactly how he feels but she also knows love is about being understanding and even though she has no clue why he won’t say it back, she doesn’t question him in fear she will scare him off. At this moment she is taking a chance, hoping that this will be her last. Hoping he finds love within her insides.

We are speaking of a guy who is scared to fall in love, because when he loves he loves deep. Deeper than most. He is scared of being attached and even though he knows this girl is potentionally right for him, he just doesn’t understand what love is to say it back. We are talking about a guy who’s never had the type of relationship with his mum where he heard or even voiced the words ‘i love you too’. That is why he says ‘sorry’, he’s been in this situation before and he knows where this is about to lead but before it happens and he hurts her as well as himself, he apologies. Not only to her but to himself, he wants to love her but he so badly wants to protect himself he avoids it, he hurts himself before anyone else has the chance to hurt him and as they make this endless love, he wanted to find a reason to stay and why this one would be different -but none of the answers came as he lay in between her legs.