To Whom it may concern

I should of made you wait,  

I was meant too, 

and I did for as long as I can remember. 

You see I let you in to my world but that wasn’t enough for you,

Pouring myself out until I was naked 

but

you wanted to be let in somewhere else. 

Let’s get this right though, 

Cause I remember telling you to wait, 

and you didn’t understand why, 

Something I could relate too 

because I didn’t understand why I’d have to wait hours for a reply. 

I’d open up to you and tell you how I feel,

then you’d push me away and say you got a headache 

but that headache always seemed to disappear when I was screaming your name.

Crazy that the only time I could moan 

was when it was your name.

Silly me – I lit myself on fire to make sure you was warm, 

then you wondered why I was burning and the flames seem to bother you.

How ironic. 

You told me you never really got feelings 

and wasn’t looking for a relationship,

but you seemed to want all of the perks of being one. 

I gave you it all and more,

No title involved.

I gave you that feeling 

and it might of not been in the right place

but it was enough to keep you running back. 

You’d have me round Friday night 

because your friends were all with their girlfriends,

but dawn would past 

And I wasn’t even good enough to receive a good morning text.

I wasn’t good enough to be taken out in public,

but in private you was all over me. 

It’s weird cause I loved the chase, 

but it’s like every time I got closer to you,

you’d push me away, 

as if I was some sort of disease.

I should of really ran away from you but you was a temporary distraction. 

The amount of people that desired what you had,

but I chose you,

wasted time,

energy,

feelings, 

and undeserved pain

I guess me letting your cold body touch mine only made me cold.

I Should of made you wait.

Like I was waiting 

waiting for you
 soo long that I no longer know what I am waiting for..

I suppose I just wanted you to be the person that I see in you.

but maybe my sight was unclear and I was seeing wrong.

I never loved with open arms before,

but I did with you. 

And you needed me so much, 

I stopped giving to myself.

but your pride would allow you to do without me,

if that meant you didn’t crumble,

but i guess it was okay for me to do it for you.

I waited, I did. 

Because even though you acted like you don’t need anyone,

I saw the serenity in your body language when we lay together, 

and you wanted it like I did. 

then when I wasn’t there you lived without me,

cause you are so used to going without, 

Or people leaving you 

That was never my intention. 

Your pride won’t let you say.

Or maybe I’m just seeing things I want to see.

I think hope was the reason I stayed.

no longer can I hold myself back

I can’t keep painting a beautiful image over all your excuses. 

How can you chose me, when I don’t even pick me? 

Here I was

Taking a bullet for someone who was wearing a bullet proof vest – this is exactly how I loved too hard.

Here I was trying to protect someone who didn’t need protecting. 

I should of made you wait the same way I waited. 

Just for you to be for me, what I was to you.

I waited, but today I stopped.

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I Stayed

I should of guessed by the way you’d rush to leave because your mum was coming home, that you wasn’t right for me.

I stayed anyway because I thought I needed you.

I stayed even when the little things you did irritated me like telling me you wanted to go to the movies but picked me up only to go to somewhere dark so we could have car sex.

I stayed at yours one night because your mum was away and you wanted someone to cuddle but halfway through the night, you started touching my thigh because ‘you couldn’t help yourself’.

I statyed even when you’d ignore my texts and not reply for a few days.

I stayed with you even after the bruises you left on my thighs and necks because you didn’t see the difference between rough and abuse. Normally you’d laugh it off and tell me I was fine anyway.

The worst part is I’m not even the one that walked away, it was you. You left me. I probably would have stayed as long as I could because you made me think it was love. It wasn’t love, it was a sick, twisted manipulated situation. It was torture so thank you for finally doing something for me and that’s leaving.

My Person

He can’t start over with someone else because no one will ever love him like I do. No one will ever care how much as I did to ask questions about his past, like when his dad left and how he felt. No one will ever be able to understand why he can’t stop his possessive ways and I don’t want them to. I don’t want her to ever experience his hand playing in her hair as she lay on his chest. I don’t want her to randomly get a ‘be ready in a hour’ text. I don’t want her to feel comfort in the arms that was able to make me feel so safe, that’s my safe place. I don’t want him to be loyal to her, he was meant to be loyal to me. I don’t want her to hear him reciting the lyrics to his favourite songs and I sure don’t want them driving around to the same songs I introduced to him to. She won’t ever know where the scar under his eye came from. I don’t want them to think about their future and argue about things like what they want their future children’s name to be. I don’t want her to be able to wake up to long messages most mornings, telling her how much he appreciates her. I don’t want her to be able to experience him breathing down her neck as he lay asleep. I don’t want her to watch him peacefully sleep and stare at his beautiful face, admiring how lucky she is. How much she loves him. I love him. I don’t want her to ever experience the love and affection I got from him. I don’t want her to be able to witness his annoying side, no matter how much I would complain at the time. I know I don’t always show him how much I care about him but he can’t move on. I can’t allow anyone to know him the way I do. I don’t want anyone to feel lucky to have him because that’s my boy. And that’s my person.

You didn’t say anything

I wanted to open up to you,

I know it sounds trivial but let me explain

I wanted to let you see all of me

I lay beside you naked, vulnerable

I wanted to tell you about me.

I wanted you to look in my eyes

and I wanted you to ask me questions about my past,

my family

my fears

and everything someone with genuine interest would ask.

I wanted you to listen.

I wanted you to get to know the real me.

but instead you took advantage of me being vulnerable,

you saw me as a desire

and you looked at me in lust.

You didn’t ask about my past,

my family

or fears

you didn’t say anything,

anything at all.

 

Letter To My Ex

I hate you for making it hard for me to fall in love with somebody else, you left me hanging, ruined my whole trust and now every person that comes along, just reminds me of how you treated me and makes me not want to let anyone in. I’m reluctant to let down these walls, I meet people and as soon as I start to feel as though Im getting attached, I run off. No matter how good  the person maybe.
I hate you for every time my friends had to pick me up and take me somewhere just to get my mind off things. All the times I woke up at dumb hours of the night calling them because I needed to vent. I hate you for my friends for being able to actually tell me ‘I told you so’.
I hate you for the brusies . You never hit me but you did just as bad. You left a scar and I feel as though its never going to heal.
I hate you for the time I hugged my mum and she told me she hates seeing me like this. I think she realised her little girl was no longer the same. I hate you for all the shoulders you made cry on and the fact none of them was ever yours
I hate you for not giving me the love and respect i deserved and made the words ‘I love you’ difficult to leave my mouth
I hate the fact that everywhere I walk I can never get rid of your scent.
I hate you for everything you put me through.
And I just want to let you know, that the bridge is burnt so no matter if you come to realise that you’ll never find anyone that loved you like i did, it will be too late. The bridge is burnt now and I promise we will never cross paths again.

Thank You

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So here we are, humans. Our parents told us to be whoever we want to be. They tell us to find ourselves and treat people how we would like to be treated. They tell us to say ‘please’ when we want something and say ‘Thank you’ when people do things such as, open the door for us. So here I am, travelling through life doing what I want taught to do, live my life and be myself. I walk around smiling even when I’m not happy, I try to live my life to the fullest because at the end of the day I’m still alive. Some people may find it weird, that no matter what I’m always happy. I love being free. Every step I take I am moving on in life and its so short but beautiful, but also sometimes hard. But never forget we’re alive. Our path is always taking us somewhere, even if its a dead end. We walk at our own speed, we don’t need signs to tell us how fast we can or can’t go because we are all going at our own pace. Not every dead end road is a bad thing and sometimes your greatest ideas come at a red light. I never want to stop moving. I never want to turn around and go back because the past will always look more wonderful then the present when it is the only thing you think about but once you start to think about the present and the future, without looking back, things start happening. You can’t move forward, when all you think about is the past. The past cannot be changed. A lot of us are lucky we have friends and family that have never left us because people leave all the time. Some of us have heard all the ‘I’m leaving you’ speeches and I’m sorry to all the people who had people leave them without saying goodbye. Leaving should never be done in silence but it happens and you’ll probably always have memories of them. How many times are you going to sit down and ponder on reasons why they could have left? Let go because people do leave and it doesn’t get any easier but we have to move on, for ourselves. We cannot keep holding ourselves back in the past when we have a future to look forward too. I was taught to say ‘Thank you’ when someone opens the door for us but this is me sincerely thanking you for closing the door behind me.

Bad Habit

You always tell me I’m a wanderer, you’ve told me I can’t keep resting my feet at strangers houses.

I tell you I know them, but you know better. You know me well. I know something about nothing when someone says ‘I love reading’ the first thing I do is shift them into a person I used to have, the person I could exchange books with.
I automatically think I’ve figured them out, it’s so wrong of me. The second they mention partying or they don’t enjoy the same music as me, I’ll distance myself. I’ll leave.
I’ll run away because the beds not warm enough or their kisses don’t feel the same, it’s scares me.
Because that’s different, that’s not the person I used to have. I came here to feel at home, not rebuild.
I came over here to start again, not to start over.
That’s probably why I never stay because I never know them like I wanted to think I did. I think I did because my mind can so easily make them into a person I lost in the past. I’m so good with words that I can talk myself into thinking that I have found the person I lost, in this new person I found when they really have no resemblance. I can’t keep looking for you in people.

I’m able to fall in love of the idea of someone, it’s falling in love with the actual person that takes months and years. Maybe someone who is doing the same thing to me, maybe they see me as someone that they love that isn’t around anymore and they are using me just to fill her void and I don’t think I mind that. Maybe I’m just someone’s filler and  I only break someone vicariously and my hands never get blood on them.
Maybe it’s a good thing.

But it’s true.
I can’t keep pretending to be homeless when my house is only 5 minutes away.
I can’t just find another because a crack is on the walls of my room.
I can’t keep doing this to people