Letter to myself.

I’m sorry it got bad when it was already awful. I don’t know why I let you hold more weight than you can hold, knowing you was already drained and couldn’t bare to lift any of it . I should of never let you cry your self to sleep over people who left because they never knew your worth. I should have reminded you. I don’t know why I even allowed you to settle for someone who continually hurt you and made you believe it was love, as if you couldn’t find better. You’re worth loving, you deserve love. You are loved. You deserve the world. I apologise for allowing people to keep taking from you, when they gave you nothing but disappointment and lies, why I never told you go with your gut feelings, I dunno. I don’t know why I allowed you to blame yourself, knowing you had earthquakes for hands and a heart that beat too loud for something that small. I’m sorry for the days I cared about how you looked in the mirror when you was ill and fighting a battle for me. I wish I would of protected you, from people, viruses and also myself. I’m sorry Depression knocked and I let her in, knowing how weak you was from her last visit. I guess when we built up this wall, we forgot to lock her out. I wish I would of told you -‘this is not the answer’ as you went to the shop to buy alcohol. We already knew the answer wasn’t at the bottom of any of those bottles. I know it got bad, I know you got scared at times. I know you didn’t care if the next day came or not but I’m so proud you’re here today. I’m sorry I made you overthink the simple things instead of letting you enjoy them. I let you question yourself way too much this year but I never meant to. I let you fly but held you back from touching the stars, I promise from today I’ll let go. I promise that from this year forward I’ll give you the strength each day to get out of bed. I will stop making you tolerate anyone or things less than you deserve. You are smart. You are special. You are beautiful. You are essential. I will remember to love you, love you with every ounce of light in me, even when it gets dark. 

I’m sorry it got bad every time it got better but I promise you, one day you’ll achieve everything you’ve been fighting for. I promise as we go into this new year that I’ll cloak you with the love they did not take. I promise you, one day you will wake up and it will all be sooo beautiful.

You are Gold.

You act as though it doesn’t hurt but somewhere underneath the surface I know that you do. I know sometimes you sit down and think about all the people that have left and start to think of reasons why they didn’t stay about but it’s not your fault. You’re probably sitting here reading this with a heavy heart, but pain is only temporary. You feel hurt, you feel angry, you feel neglected and taken for granted. Even through all this, you still find it in you to smile and that’s strength. It’s okay to feel weak, it’s okay to break down and cry. It’s okay to feel how you are feeling right now. You thought you couldn’t live without them, I know. But the day will come when you will piece yourself together, maybe not now but gradually. Yes they left you hurt, but you’re alive. You will overcome it, I promise.
I think we all make the mistake of trying to get someone to fill our void when we feel empty, but no one can make you better. I mean they might be able to help you for a period of time, sure but people can only encourage you to be a better version of the person you already are. We need to fill ourselves, its not easy but we need to stop expecting people to make us feel whole. You can’t hold someone to that unattainable expectations, its unfair on the both of you and will only make you feel worse when they leave. Just because that person made you feel something other than empty, doesn’t mean that they have filled you. No one can fill you but yourself.

Nothing in this world is better to fill your existence than yourself.
People will come and go, stop accepting and settling for less than you deserve from people who are clearly colourblind. You my friend are gold, never forget that.