Why can’t I forget

I still remember how you pursued me and how you convinced me that I was the first person you really had proper feelings for since your last, you told me you feared being attached but you could feel yourself falling for me. Then you disappeared for a week, I didn’t know if it was over or if I was just overthinking things. 2 weeks went and you finally reached out and told me you really cared for me but you thought I deserved more than you, that excuse has never made sense to me and it confused me more when a few weeks went and there was this new person on the scene. I just didn’t get how she deserved you more than I did? It just didn’t make sense to me, I deserved a better excuse than ‘You deserve better than me’. How do you know what I deserve? Didn’t you think I deserved to be get the effort and love back,that I gave to you. I deserved to have what i want and what I wanted was you. It may have sounded good in your head but to me it just sounded like ‘I don’t care enough to do better for you’. I deserved better than a ‘you deserve better’ excuse. I remember that day I walked away telling myself I was done I wasn’t going to chase you for anything else especially a heart I thought you had. Months went by and you messaged me, you told me how sorry you was and that you wanted to start over. I remember replying –

you cant just come back to see what you’re missing just because you miss the times I needed you to put be back together. You ruined all these parts of me and I had to put them back together and now you come back like I’m an art piece you have too see. I can’t afford to go through that again

but it was you and I don’t even know how you was able to convince me to come back, its as though I forgot how hard it was to put myself back together. I remember we argued one night and I was yelling about how quick you was too replace me. I told you I felt like I was not good enough. You responded by hugging me tight and telling me I was good enough and you pleaded me to forgive you, telling me you messed up and you was sorry. You told me about your last heartbreak and how much it killed you that you could never go through it again, you made me promise that I would never do the same to you. I promised that I wouldn’t and you knew I always kept to my word, but I should of made you promise me the same too because a months went by and things began to change again, you began to distance yourself. I told you things felt like they was changing, you told me that you didn’t want this anymore, You thought you did but you didn’t. You told me that I was a distraction at one point, but I was starting to become baggage that just began to weigh you down. Again I broke and I was left pick up all the pieces and the only one I could blame is myself.  I started to understand why you took so long to respond when I said ‘I love you’ and it began to make sense as to why you you’d sigh when I use to say little things just to gain reassurance and how fucking convenient is it that I’m the only one that can’t seem to forget it all.

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