Feels.

I feel like no matter what I do or what I accomplish,
I am never going to find whatever it is I’m missing.
Or maybe I will find it, the answer is just when?

I think it maybe a type of freedom I’m looking for,

but I still can’t find it despite the fact I’m no longer underneath my parents control.

I can’t find it when I’m drunk. 

I dunno what type of out I need but I feel like nothing will be able to give it to me.
I feel like I’m not living life how I should be,

there’s so much others would of accomplished if they were still here living.

My life isn’t some hell on earth

and I don’t mean to portray it like so.

I just don’t understand why things are so difficult for me,

Or maybe I’m making it difficult myself.
Sometimes I feel as though I don’t belong,

Not in a suicidal way. 

I just sometimes don’t feel like I’m using it to its full potential, like I’m wasting it. 

I know I am in fact but I also know I’ve done things to try prevent it but yet sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in it.
I’m so confused, anxious and overwhelmed about nothing but everything. 

I can’t think of a reason but I could list many.

I cant understand myself and why I feel this way. 

I feel numb in a certain type of sadness but I also feel numb when I’m not sad at all. 

It’s true that if you become one thing for so long, you don’t know how to be anything else.
I know how to be happy within a mood but I don’t know how to be happy.

I know how to laugh and actually mean it but I don’t know how to spend the rest of my life this way.
And I know it’s wrong for me to find an reason for everything but that’s what I do. 

and when I can’t figure out a reason, I assume they’re my fault. 

I blame myself for things that are completely out of my control.

I’m sensitive I take things so harsh and personally.

I hate this about myself but what can I do, I can’t stop it.

I’m really tired or being tired and I know that cliche but it’s true, I’m always exhausted.

Maybe it’s because my rooms always dark and I always stay in there.

I don’t know sometimes I feel like I’m putting all this on myself,

but if that’s the case wouldn’t I be able to stop it?

I Stayed

I should of guessed by the way you’d rush to leave because your mum was coming home, that you wasn’t right for me.

I stayed anyway because I thought I needed you.

I stayed even when the little things you did irritated me like telling me you wanted to go to the movies but picked me up only to go to somewhere dark so we could have car sex.

I stayed at yours one night because your mum was away and you wanted someone to cuddle but halfway through the night, you started touching my thigh because ‘you couldn’t help yourself’.

I statyed even when you’d ignore my texts and not reply for a few days.

I stayed with you even after the bruises you left on my thighs and necks because you didn’t see the difference between rough and abuse. Normally you’d laugh it off and tell me I was fine anyway.

The worst part is I’m not even the one that walked away, it was you. You left me. I probably would have stayed as long as I could because you made me think it was love. It wasn’t love, it was a sick, twisted manipulated situation. It was torture so thank you for finally doing something for me and that’s leaving.

Missing Person

I grew up believing that I was born with something broken inside of me, something that my mother tried soo hard to fix that she forgot to fix herself.

I wonder if the doctors realised my shoulders was too weak to bare the weight of absence.

I used to tell myself that’s why he’s not around.

That one day he realised I wouldn’t be able to handle losing love so he left before becoming that loss.

I wonder if he would have still left if he knew that over twenty years down the line, the weight of his absence would still be so heavy. That the only way to lighten the hurt would be to distance myself from the person I was becoming without him.

I think my mum thought that if she told me she loves me enough times, she could try to replace the love I was missing, she tried. I mean she really did, but it just didn’t work. I know she thought she had enough love for the both of us but it never filled the absence. When a parent is absent by choice, there’s always going to be something missing. Questions unanswered.

I don’t even know what my father looks like, but my mum has told me several times I look just like him. That part of his face found a home on mine and sometimes she won’t look at me, and I wonder if it’s because every time she looks at me, I just remind her of the person that broke her heart?

Who knows..

And for a long while I’d search his name in the search bar on Google, because all I wanted to do was show him the scars on my knees from learning how to ride a bike all by myself.

One day I am going to let him know, the only thing he gave to me was the inability to trust.

One day I going to tell him, that all the lessons that he was meant to teach me about boys I had to learn myself.

I wonder if he would even look into my eyes because he’d only be staring into the eyes of his own and know that he is the reason why they are soo empty.

Even though it’s been years, I always seem make excuses for him, like maybe he never called because it slipped his mind. Plus who else would I have gotten my  poor memory from because I knew it wasn’t from my mum, my mother remembered everything.

They say you can’t miss someone you never met and I’m living proof that’s a lie because Its been over twenty years and I still think I can feel my fathers hand holding mine.

I still have the cards I made you from nursery up until I was 8. I think I was 8 when I finally realised you probably would never show up to receive your Father’s Day card, Christmas card or anything I made for you.

I realised that some people are lucky to live with both parents and some children have two houses as their parents split but both parents was a big part of their child’s life.

Then there was me, the unlucky one. One Parent and One House.

I just wish he would of shown up to at least ONE of my birthdays. I grew up saying my fathers name as I blew out the candles that were never lit by him.

I grew up thinking that he wasn’t there to see my first breath because It would be hard for him to stick to the plan. The plan to save me from a loss that’s too great for me to hold. I told myself he couldn’t bear to watch his daughter grow up, knowing that some day his time would come he’d have to leave and it would ruin me.

I told myself he was a good man.

I told myself he didn’t want to be a part of my life if he couldn’t witness all of it.

I told myself that some men just don’t know how to be fathers,

I told myself that until I found out he had another daughter.

You know how the small the world is,  my mum ran into someone in the grocery store who then told my mum my father just had his third child.

Third?

I didn’t know how to take it.

I began to envy them because they’ll never have to learn how to ride a bike by themselves, blow out candles and wish for him to return. They won’t have the long term issues like – Do you know how hard it is to let someone love you when the person who’s meant to wouldn’t?

It’s soo hard to love someone when the person you loved, didn’t want it.

I can’t wait for the day I meet this man.

One day I’ll introduce myself and tell him I have met him in every person I have loved and watched leave.

One day I’ll face him,

but for now I’ll just go on his Facebook that I finally found and look through pictures,

With him, his 3 kids and wife

and wonder how come he loved them but never loved me.

You didn’t say anything

I wanted to open up to you,

I know it sounds trivial but let me explain

I wanted to let you see all of me

I lay beside you naked, vulnerable

I wanted to tell you about me.

I wanted you to look in my eyes

and I wanted you to ask me questions about my past,

my family

my fears

and everything someone with genuine interest would ask.

I wanted you to listen.

I wanted you to get to know the real me.

but instead you took advantage of me being vulnerable,

you saw me as a desire

and you looked at me in lust.

You didn’t ask about my past,

my family

or fears

you didn’t say anything,

anything at all.

 

Letter To My Ex

I hate you for making it hard for me to fall in love with somebody else, you left me hanging, ruined my whole trust and now every person that comes along, just reminds me of how you treated me and makes me not want to let anyone in. I’m reluctant to let down these walls, I meet people and as soon as I start to feel as though Im getting attached, I run off. No matter how good  the person maybe.
I hate you for every time my friends had to pick me up and take me somewhere just to get my mind off things. All the times I woke up at dumb hours of the night calling them because I needed to vent. I hate you for my friends for being able to actually tell me ‘I told you so’.
I hate you for the brusies . You never hit me but you did just as bad. You left a scar and I feel as though its never going to heal.
I hate you for the time I hugged my mum and she told me she hates seeing me like this. I think she realised her little girl was no longer the same. I hate you for all the shoulders you made cry on and the fact none of them was ever yours
I hate you for not giving me the love and respect i deserved and made the words ‘I love you’ difficult to leave my mouth
I hate the fact that everywhere I walk I can never get rid of your scent.
I hate you for everything you put me through.
And I just want to let you know, that the bridge is burnt so no matter if you come to realise that you’ll never find anyone that loved you like i did, it will be too late. The bridge is burnt now and I promise we will never cross paths again.

Thank You

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So here we are, humans. Our parents told us to be whoever we want to be. They tell us to find ourselves and treat people how we would like to be treated. They tell us to say ‘please’ when we want something and say ‘Thank you’ when people do things such as, open the door for us. So here I am, travelling through life doing what I want taught to do, live my life and be myself. I walk around smiling even when I’m not happy, I try to live my life to the fullest because at the end of the day I’m still alive. Some people may find it weird, that no matter what I’m always happy. I love being free. Every step I take I am moving on in life and its so short but beautiful, but also sometimes hard. But never forget we’re alive. Our path is always taking us somewhere, even if its a dead end. We walk at our own speed, we don’t need signs to tell us how fast we can or can’t go because we are all going at our own pace. Not every dead end road is a bad thing and sometimes your greatest ideas come at a red light. I never want to stop moving. I never want to turn around and go back because the past will always look more wonderful then the present when it is the only thing you think about but once you start to think about the present and the future, without looking back, things start happening. You can’t move forward, when all you think about is the past. The past cannot be changed. A lot of us are lucky we have friends and family that have never left us because people leave all the time. Some of us have heard all the ‘I’m leaving you’ speeches and I’m sorry to all the people who had people leave them without saying goodbye. Leaving should never be done in silence but it happens and you’ll probably always have memories of them. How many times are you going to sit down and ponder on reasons why they could have left? Let go because people do leave and it doesn’t get any easier but we have to move on, for ourselves. We cannot keep holding ourselves back in the past when we have a future to look forward too. I was taught to say ‘Thank you’ when someone opens the door for us but this is me sincerely thanking you for closing the door behind me.

I often ask myself

How many times are you going to leave your heart at abandoned buildings? When did he stop calling? Why did things changed? Do you think he stopped loving you when he realised you had enough love for the both of you? Did he think you wouldn’t break or did he expect you to pick up your own pieces? Maybe he realised you didn’t have a lot of pieces after giving him so many. Sometimes you break before you fall maybe he didn’t realise you was already broken. Do you remember the way his lips formed when he made promises? What made you trust him? Or did you not trust him but wanted too ? I bet you hoped things would get back to normal ? But what is normal to you? Maybe normal is the way things are now, maybe the kisses, the hugs and phone calls that lasted hours was just a phase. Maybe the reason why you stayed so long is because you thought everything he’s doing now is just a phase? Did you even notice how much he became distant ? Of course you did because you asked him what changed and he ignored. Love is supposed to be beautiful, this is not love. You could tell he was heartless, so what made you trust him with yours?

You are Important –

I know you’re going back to every good memory you both had together, you’re going back to all the nights he whispered ‘I love you’  in your ear just before you went off to sleep. You’ll think of the time you sent him paragraphs and wonders if he still reads them like you read his. You’re thinking about how you met him and replaying all the memories in your mind.

You should probably make your mind replay  the other things you seemed to have forget like the times he was too lazy too come and see you or the times a girls name popped up on his phone at 1am and he tried to hide it. I know home is where the heart is, and he was home but you’re not welcomed there anymore. It was never home, it was just temporary accommodation, no matter how comfortable it was. Remember how many days he’d go without talking to you as if he had better things to do with his time.

Listen, YOU have better things to do with YOUR time other than missing him. He was ‘worth’ your time then, I get it, but he isn’t now. You may never be able to forget his eyes, his smile, his voice but one day you’ll forget them. One day you’ll meet someone who’s eyes, makes you forget about the past. A smile that makes the past seem so far and blurry. There is more to life than this boy that clearly doesn’t see how amazing you are.

I know you love him and I know you don’t know how you’re going to cope without him, it doesn’t matter how many paragraphs you send him or how many times you call him crying. No matter how broken you tell him you are, the truth is he may not come back to fix you there are so many things to do with your time like the goal that you had, that you haven’t been able to achieve because he distracted you from it. Meet new people, Write, go to the gym, listen to your favorite songs over and over again. Do what makes YOU happy, there’s so much other things you can do with your time than waste it on someone who doesn’t see just how important you are.

Bad Habit

You always tell me I’m a wanderer, you’ve told me I can’t keep resting my feet at strangers houses.

I tell you I know them, but you know better. You know me well. I know something about nothing when someone says ‘I love reading’ the first thing I do is shift them into a person I used to have, the person I could exchange books with.
I automatically think I’ve figured them out, it’s so wrong of me. The second they mention partying or they don’t enjoy the same music as me, I’ll distance myself. I’ll leave.
I’ll run away because the beds not warm enough or their kisses don’t feel the same, it’s scares me.
Because that’s different, that’s not the person I used to have. I came here to feel at home, not rebuild.
I came over here to start again, not to start over.
That’s probably why I never stay because I never know them like I wanted to think I did. I think I did because my mind can so easily make them into a person I lost in the past. I’m so good with words that I can talk myself into thinking that I have found the person I lost, in this new person I found when they really have no resemblance. I can’t keep looking for you in people.

I’m able to fall in love of the idea of someone, it’s falling in love with the actual person that takes months and years. Maybe someone who is doing the same thing to me, maybe they see me as someone that they love that isn’t around anymore and they are using me just to fill her void and I don’t think I mind that. Maybe I’m just someone’s filler and  I only break someone vicariously and my hands never get blood on them.
Maybe it’s a good thing.

But it’s true.
I can’t keep pretending to be homeless when my house is only 5 minutes away.
I can’t just find another because a crack is on the walls of my room.
I can’t keep doing this to people

I’m Sorry

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Dear You,
I remember being scared to let you in because I knew it would be you that I fell for and even though I fell in love with you, there’s mistakes I made that i didn’t realise i made until you left. See it took you leaving and many nights overthinking till 4am, Sleeping, waking up, Overthinking again, but i get it now. I get why you left and didn’t listen to the excuses why I was not doing right by you, you heard them all before, guess you got bored of watching me stutter as i tried to make up a new reason I couldn’t help my selfish ways.
Im Sorry that when you left, I slammed the door behind you and acted like I didn’t care. I’m Sorry for not being able to see how lucky I was when I had you. I’m just Sorry for not loving you the way you deserved to be loved. I am Sorry for not being the person that you needed, even though I know I could have been if i wasn’t so inconsiderate, and took my time to fix what needed to be fixed. I am Sorry I was only thinking about myself soo much that I stopped thinking of ways to ensure you was happy. I am Sorry that I only started trying as soon as you stopped. I am Sorry I started trying when we both know it was too late. I am Sorry we could never stop hurting each other long enough to prove the truth in every ‘I love you’ we mouthed. I am Sorry my actions never matched the volume of my words. I am Sorry I kept pushing you away even when you continually told me ‘The last thing i want to do is leave you but you just keep pushing me away and I don’t know what to do anymore’. I am Sorry you had to use someone else to fill my void. I am Sorry for the nights you stayed up thinking of reasons why you should stay, I am Sorry that as days went by those reasons lessened. I am Sorry I wasn’t there for when you needed me to be there. I am Sorry I ignored the fact that something was wrong even though I could see the pain in your eyes. I am Sorry you tried your hardest to stay and I am Sorry I  would always respond by shouting the names of people that told me that the would stay but didn’t. I am Sorry you had to tell your whole family that we broke up. I am Sorry that I took out all my past issues on you. I Could write pages about all the things I am Sorry for. Sorry for the constant abandonment and all the nights you went to bed mad. I just couldn’t see where my life was going because I was so caught up in trying not to get hurt, that I only ended up hurting you. I am Sorry I lost the strength to fight for our relationship as soon as I lost my temper. I am Sorry I lost sight of you and the beautiful things we could of built, but I’m done apologising now. I am not Sorry for the time I spent with you. I am not Sorry for how many days we spent doing nothing just laying in bed talking. I am not Sorry for all the money we spent going over our phone bills because we never wanted them to ended. I am not Sorry for all the love we made. I am not Sorry for the ungodly hours we stayed up watching movies and eat junk food. I am not Sorry for letting you in and I’ll never be Sorry for falling in love with you. I am not Sorry for the wasted time, because time never mattered until time was up with you. I hate the fact that everything I am not Sorry for came to an end the day we said are goodbyes, Sorry.