Feels.

I feel like no matter what I do or what I accomplish,
I am never going to find whatever it is I’m missing.
Or maybe I will find it, the answer is just when?

I think it maybe a type of freedom I’m looking for,

but I still can’t find it despite the fact I’m no longer underneath my parents control.

I can’t find it when I’m drunk. 

I dunno what type of out I need but I feel like nothing will be able to give it to me.
I feel like I’m not living life how I should be,

there’s so much others would of accomplished if they were still here living.

My life isn’t some hell on earth

and I don’t mean to portray it like so.

I just don’t understand why things are so difficult for me,

Or maybe I’m making it difficult myself.
Sometimes I feel as though I don’t belong,

Not in a suicidal way. 

I just sometimes don’t feel like I’m using it to its full potential, like I’m wasting it. 

I know I am in fact but I also know I’ve done things to try prevent it but yet sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in it.
I’m so confused, anxious and overwhelmed about nothing but everything. 

I can’t think of a reason but I could list many.

I cant understand myself and why I feel this way. 

I feel numb in a certain type of sadness but I also feel numb when I’m not sad at all. 

It’s true that if you become one thing for so long, you don’t know how to be anything else.
I know how to be happy within a mood but I don’t know how to be happy.

I know how to laugh and actually mean it but I don’t know how to spend the rest of my life this way.
And I know it’s wrong for me to find an reason for everything but that’s what I do. 

and when I can’t figure out a reason, I assume they’re my fault. 

I blame myself for things that are completely out of my control.

I’m sensitive I take things so harsh and personally.

I hate this about myself but what can I do, I can’t stop it.

I’m really tired or being tired and I know that cliche but it’s true, I’m always exhausted.

Maybe it’s because my rooms always dark and I always stay in there.

I don’t know sometimes I feel like I’m putting all this on myself,

but if that’s the case wouldn’t I be able to stop it?

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Missing Person

I grew up believing that I was born with something broken inside of me, something that my mother tried soo hard to fix that she forgot to fix herself.

I wonder if the doctors realised my shoulders was too weak to bare the weight of absence.

I used to tell myself that’s why he’s not around.

That one day he realised I wouldn’t be able to handle losing love so he left before becoming that loss.

I wonder if he would have still left if he knew that over twenty years down the line, the weight of his absence would still be so heavy. That the only way to lighten the hurt would be to distance myself from the person I was becoming without him.

I think my mum thought that if she told me she loves me enough times, she could try to replace the love I was missing, she tried. I mean she really did, but it just didn’t work. I know she thought she had enough love for the both of us but it never filled the absence. When a parent is absent by choice, there’s always going to be something missing. Questions unanswered.

I don’t even know what my father looks like, but my mum has told me several times I look just like him. That part of his face found a home on mine and sometimes she won’t look at me, and I wonder if it’s because every time she looks at me, I just remind her of the person that broke her heart?

Who knows..

And for a long while I’d search his name in the search bar on Google, because all I wanted to do was show him the scars on my knees from learning how to ride a bike all by myself.

One day I am going to let him know, the only thing he gave to me was the inability to trust.

One day I going to tell him, that all the lessons that he was meant to teach me about boys I had to learn myself.

I wonder if he would even look into my eyes because he’d only be staring into the eyes of his own and know that he is the reason why they are soo empty.

Even though it’s been years, I always seem make excuses for him, like maybe he never called because it slipped his mind. Plus who else would I have gotten my  poor memory from because I knew it wasn’t from my mum, my mother remembered everything.

They say you can’t miss someone you never met and I’m living proof that’s a lie because Its been over twenty years and I still think I can feel my fathers hand holding mine.

I still have the cards I made you from nursery up until I was 8. I think I was 8 when I finally realised you probably would never show up to receive your Father’s Day card, Christmas card or anything I made for you.

I realised that some people are lucky to live with both parents and some children have two houses as their parents split but both parents was a big part of their child’s life.

Then there was me, the unlucky one. One Parent and One House.

I just wish he would of shown up to at least ONE of my birthdays. I grew up saying my fathers name as I blew out the candles that were never lit by him.

I grew up thinking that he wasn’t there to see my first breath because It would be hard for him to stick to the plan. The plan to save me from a loss that’s too great for me to hold. I told myself he couldn’t bear to watch his daughter grow up, knowing that some day his time would come he’d have to leave and it would ruin me.

I told myself he was a good man.

I told myself he didn’t want to be a part of my life if he couldn’t witness all of it.

I told myself that some men just don’t know how to be fathers,

I told myself that until I found out he had another daughter.

You know how the small the world is,  my mum ran into someone in the grocery store who then told my mum my father just had his third child.

Third?

I didn’t know how to take it.

I began to envy them because they’ll never have to learn how to ride a bike by themselves, blow out candles and wish for him to return. They won’t have the long term issues like – Do you know how hard it is to let someone love you when the person who’s meant to wouldn’t?

It’s soo hard to love someone when the person you loved, didn’t want it.

I can’t wait for the day I meet this man.

One day I’ll introduce myself and tell him I have met him in every person I have loved and watched leave.

One day I’ll face him,

but for now I’ll just go on his Facebook that I finally found and look through pictures,

With him, his 3 kids and wife

and wonder how come he loved them but never loved me.

Letter To My Ex

I hate you for making it hard for me to fall in love with somebody else, you left me hanging, ruined my whole trust and now every person that comes along, just reminds me of how you treated me and makes me not want to let anyone in. I’m reluctant to let down these walls, I meet people and as soon as I start to feel as though Im getting attached, I run off. No matter how good  the person maybe.
I hate you for every time my friends had to pick me up and take me somewhere just to get my mind off things. All the times I woke up at dumb hours of the night calling them because I needed to vent. I hate you for my friends for being able to actually tell me ‘I told you so’.
I hate you for the brusies . You never hit me but you did just as bad. You left a scar and I feel as though its never going to heal.
I hate you for the time I hugged my mum and she told me she hates seeing me like this. I think she realised her little girl was no longer the same. I hate you for all the shoulders you made cry on and the fact none of them was ever yours
I hate you for not giving me the love and respect i deserved and made the words ‘I love you’ difficult to leave my mouth
I hate the fact that everywhere I walk I can never get rid of your scent.
I hate you for everything you put me through.
And I just want to let you know, that the bridge is burnt so no matter if you come to realise that you’ll never find anyone that loved you like i did, it will be too late. The bridge is burnt now and I promise we will never cross paths again.

I often ask myself

How many times are you going to leave your heart at abandoned buildings? When did he stop calling? Why did things changed? Do you think he stopped loving you when he realised you had enough love for the both of you? Did he think you wouldn’t break or did he expect you to pick up your own pieces? Maybe he realised you didn’t have a lot of pieces after giving him so many. Sometimes you break before you fall maybe he didn’t realise you was already broken. Do you remember the way his lips formed when he made promises? What made you trust him? Or did you not trust him but wanted too ? I bet you hoped things would get back to normal ? But what is normal to you? Maybe normal is the way things are now, maybe the kisses, the hugs and phone calls that lasted hours was just a phase. Maybe the reason why you stayed so long is because you thought everything he’s doing now is just a phase? Did you even notice how much he became distant ? Of course you did because you asked him what changed and he ignored. Love is supposed to be beautiful, this is not love. You could tell he was heartless, so what made you trust him with yours?

Letting go

I think I’ve spent a lot of my life fighting for things and people. Its said that if its meant to be, then it will be and there is no reason to fight for something because its probably just not meant to be. But me, I feel like whats meant to be, you should fight for it. If you want something, go get it. I’ve fought for people and things a lot. My way of thinking maybe considered different because i feel as though if something is meant to be and i was to give up because it didn’t come naturally, it would be much worse to come to the realization  than the realization that i fought for something that’s not meant to be. I’d rather fight for whats meant to be and understand why it wasn’t meant to be instead of just let go because it didnt come naturally. Everything i want is worth battling for and i tend to do that with everything i want. I’ve came across a quote that said –

‘How strong a person you are depends on how easily you let go of things not meant for you’

I tried letting go of things, not fighting for things. It just wasn’t me. I don’t let go easy and yes it may be my downfall. I don’t let go until I’m tired and even with every time I chase i feel as though I’m not catching up. Then I let go, maybe or i might try find another way to get them or it. I never give up but remember letting go and giving up are so different. People ask me

‘Why are you still fighting for someone that clearly doesnt want you’

‘Why are you scared to give up’

‘Don’t you think if its meant to be, you’d have it already’

Anything along them lines. I always end up saying –

‘I don’t let go of things just because the dont come naturally. I’ll let go when things have seemed to let go of me and I no longer have the strength to fight anymore. I have severed all ways to still hang on – Only then will i let go’

‘Please never forget’

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When you spend a lot of time running, something very weird happens when you meet someone who makes you want to stay.

When you’ve been running so long you don’t really care about things, such as your future. You don’t really think about getting married and how good someone may look as they walk down the isle to meet you.

When you’re always running the only thing you really concern yourself with, is not concerning in anything at all. You just convince yourself that you’re invincible, that fear and vulnerability will never be able to catch up to you. You never stay long enough because you don’t want to catch feelings. You tell yourself you’re not scared of much when really, getting attached frightens you. You leave without reason, you even pierce or tattoo your skin just to prove that you’re not scared of anything.

When you keep running, you wish you could apologise for the people that you’ve led on and broken on the way, but you don’t want to hear ‘I forgive you, please come back’. Guilt is too risky for someone like you. You try to remain in the shallow side because every time things get deep your past begins to drown you. How many people have you hurt or let down? How many people are afraid to  love again just because you didn’t stay long enough and left without any reason? You convince yourself you don’t care. How many bodies have these people woken up beside just to kill the memory of you? You spend time dating, cuddling, kissing people, waking up next to people but always seem to have disappeared before they build up the courage to say ‘I love you’. They’re all liars anyway, how can someone love you when they don’t even really know you?

All this running but see something foreign happens when you meet someone that makes you want to stay around. Your fears begin to come out from the dark. The way they say your name, The way they remind you it’s okay to feel. The way you find comfort in their arms. You don’t care what anyone thinks and you’re okay with all the hearts you broke because it led you to this person right here. You’ve now become an ‘We’ instead of an ‘I’. Someone has now taught you to be scared of things you never were scared of before but also be fearless at the same time. You have your heart in your hands and their hands in your hair. You now finally imagine meeting someone at the isle. When you learn how to stay eventually the only thing you become scared of is  forgetting. Getting drunk together and hearing your first ‘I love you’. The date when you both viewed the city from a distance and they said ‘There’s no place I’d rather be than here with you’. The way they kissed you on your lips after they said it and the smile they gave you after. The way they roll onto you, to wake you up. The way their hands stroke your face as they say ‘I’m not going anywhere, Okay?’, just after you finally tell them your fear is losing them. This soft person you have become, feeling has never felt soo beautiful. Every little memory matters now and you really don’t want to forget anything, such as their smell, how cold their hands were but how lovely they felt on your skin. ‘Please never forget’ I say in my mind before I go to sleep. I think of all the times he’s forgiven me and I really can’t bare to forget each time he said ‘it’s okay, I forgive you’. I think about how beautiful he looks and how beautiful he makes me feel. He’s the reason for all these beautiful thoughts and if I forget him, I forget everything. Forgetting has never frightened me so much, this fear caught up to me as soon as I found a place to sleep in his arms.

When you’ve been running your whole life, something happens when you meet someone who makes you want to stay.

You start hoping to remember everything.

Him Vs Her

‘I love you’ she whispered as lay on his chest.

He didn’t respond, she waited but he lay quiet. She looked up at him.

‘Did you hear me?’

He nodded, guilt filled his eyes and he moved from under her.

‘I’m Sorry’

Holding back tears she held his hand and responded

‘Dont Be’

That night they made endless love

 

We are talking about a lady who has been hurt repeatedly, but still pleads to be loved. She’s had a lot of attention in the past, but this is different after such a long time of searching this boy has leased the commitment she yearns. Now shes finally clutched the feeling of being alive again, she is not scared to lose pride and tell this boy she loves him and she would do anything to make him love her back even if it means having sex with him, she ‘ll do anything for him to feel the same. She cannot lose this feeling and does not want to give up so will do all she can to do to make him stay. She cant give up because shes never been rewarded like this her entire search, this one is different. She demands to be loved by him and wants him to know exactly how he feels but she also knows love is about being understanding and even though she has no clue why he won’t say it back, she doesn’t question him in fear she will scare him off. At this moment she is taking a chance, hoping that this will be her last. Hoping he finds love within her insides.

We are speaking of a guy who is scared to fall in love, because when he loves he loves deep. Deeper than most. He is scared of being attached and even though he knows this girl is potentionally right for him, he just doesn’t understand what love is to say it back. We are talking about a guy who’s never had the type of relationship with his mum where he heard or even voiced the words ‘i love you too’. That is why he says ‘sorry’, he’s been in this situation before and he knows where this is about to lead but before it happens and he hurts her as well as himself, he apologies. Not only to her but to himself, he wants to love her but he so badly wants to protect himself he avoids it, he hurts himself before anyone else has the chance to hurt him and as they make this endless love, he wanted to find a reason to stay and why this one would be different -but none of the answers came as he lay in between her legs.