My friend, you are surviving.

You only really liked your naked body, when he was touching it. You only began to love yourself when he loved you and since he left you forgot how to. You look in the mirror and you barely notice yourself. You begin to play yourself. The 5 songs that you tried soo hard to avoid because of the feeling it gives you. Them songs have now become the songs on repeat. You look through old messages that you should of deleted and now you’re just reminiscing. Your scars reopen and you’re broken again. You’ve gotten yourself through the past few months by using things and people you think you need, but none of that can you distract you anymore. You need to accept, he’s not coming back. The sound of his voice you will eventually forget and his fingerprints will leave your body. All the memories will fade along with the pain. I know it hurts even worse because he’s the only one you’ve opened your palms too, so he could read your past through the creases in them. You let him in and he destroyed you. You’re more stronger than he thought and he thought he could break you down, but he couldn’t have his way with you. That’s strength. Today you may listen to them 5 songs over and over again, you’ll cry but remember tomorrow you will stand again. Even if you don’t, it’s okay because you’re allowed to be upset. You’re allowed to feel hurt. The human mind is not wired to deal with a heart break. It just knows how to survive. And look here you are, surviving ❤

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Feels.

I feel like no matter what I do or what I accomplish,
I am never going to find whatever it is I’m missing.
Or maybe I will find it, the answer is just when?

I think it maybe a type of freedom I’m looking for,

but I still can’t find it despite the fact I’m no longer underneath my parents control.

I can’t find it when I’m drunk. 

I dunno what type of out I need but I feel like nothing will be able to give it to me.
I feel like I’m not living life how I should be,

there’s so much others would of accomplished if they were still here living.

My life isn’t some hell on earth

and I don’t mean to portray it like so.

I just don’t understand why things are so difficult for me,

Or maybe I’m making it difficult myself.
Sometimes I feel as though I don’t belong,

Not in a suicidal way. 

I just sometimes don’t feel like I’m using it to its full potential, like I’m wasting it. 

I know I am in fact but I also know I’ve done things to try prevent it but yet sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in it.
I’m so confused, anxious and overwhelmed about nothing but everything. 

I can’t think of a reason but I could list many.

I cant understand myself and why I feel this way. 

I feel numb in a certain type of sadness but I also feel numb when I’m not sad at all. 

It’s true that if you become one thing for so long, you don’t know how to be anything else.
I know how to be happy within a mood but I don’t know how to be happy.

I know how to laugh and actually mean it but I don’t know how to spend the rest of my life this way.
And I know it’s wrong for me to find an reason for everything but that’s what I do. 

and when I can’t figure out a reason, I assume they’re my fault. 

I blame myself for things that are completely out of my control.

I’m sensitive I take things so harsh and personally.

I hate this about myself but what can I do, I can’t stop it.

I’m really tired or being tired and I know that cliche but it’s true, I’m always exhausted.

Maybe it’s because my rooms always dark and I always stay in there.

I don’t know sometimes I feel like I’m putting all this on myself,

but if that’s the case wouldn’t I be able to stop it?

I Stayed

I should of guessed by the way you’d rush to leave because your mum was coming home, that you wasn’t right for me.

I stayed anyway because I thought I needed you.

I stayed even when the little things you did irritated me like telling me you wanted to go to the movies but picked me up only to go to somewhere dark so we could have car sex.

I stayed at yours one night because your mum was away and you wanted someone to cuddle but halfway through the night, you started touching my thigh because ‘you couldn’t help yourself’.

I statyed even when you’d ignore my texts and not reply for a few days.

I stayed with you even after the bruises you left on my thighs and necks because you didn’t see the difference between rough and abuse. Normally you’d laugh it off and tell me I was fine anyway.

The worst part is I’m not even the one that walked away, it was you. You left me. I probably would have stayed as long as I could because you made me think it was love. It wasn’t love, it was a sick, twisted manipulated situation. It was torture so thank you for finally doing something for me and that’s leaving.

My Person

He can’t start over with someone else because no one will ever love him like I do. No one will ever care how much as I did to ask questions about his past, like when his dad left and how he felt. No one will ever be able to understand why he can’t stop his possessive ways and I don’t want them to. I don’t want her to ever experience his hand playing in her hair as she lay on his chest. I don’t want her to randomly get a ‘be ready in a hour’ text. I don’t want her to feel comfort in the arms that was able to make me feel so safe, that’s my safe place. I don’t want him to be loyal to her, he was meant to be loyal to me. I don’t want her to hear him reciting the lyrics to his favourite songs and I sure don’t want them driving around to the same songs I introduced to him to. She won’t ever know where the scar under his eye came from. I don’t want them to think about their future and argue about things like what they want their future children’s name to be. I don’t want her to be able to wake up to long messages most mornings, telling her how much he appreciates her. I don’t want her to be able to experience him breathing down her neck as he lay asleep. I don’t want her to watch him peacefully sleep and stare at his beautiful face, admiring how lucky she is. How much she loves him. I love him. I don’t want her to ever experience the love and affection I got from him. I don’t want her to be able to witness his annoying side, no matter how much I would complain at the time. I know I don’t always show him how much I care about him but he can’t move on. I can’t allow anyone to know him the way I do. I don’t want anyone to feel lucky to have him because that’s my boy. And that’s my person.

You are Gold.

You act as though it doesn’t hurt but somewhere underneath the surface I know that you do. I know sometimes you sit down and think about all the people that have left and start to think of reasons why they didn’t stay about but it’s not your fault. You’re probably sitting here reading this with a heavy heart, but pain is only temporary. You feel hurt, you feel angry, you feel neglected and taken for granted. Even through all this, you still find it in you to smile and that’s strength. It’s okay to feel weak, it’s okay to break down and cry. It’s okay to feel how you are feeling right now. You thought you couldn’t live without them, I know. But the day will come when you will piece yourself together, maybe not now but gradually. Yes they left you hurt, but you’re alive. You will overcome it, I promise.
I think we all make the mistake of trying to get someone to fill our void when we feel empty, but no one can make you better. I mean they might be able to help you for a period of time, sure but people can only encourage you to be a better version of the person you already are. We need to fill ourselves, its not easy but we need to stop expecting people to make us feel whole. You can’t hold someone to that unattainable expectations, its unfair on the both of you and will only make you feel worse when they leave. Just because that person made you feel something other than empty, doesn’t mean that they have filled you. No one can fill you but yourself.

Nothing in this world is better to fill your existence than yourself.
People will come and go, stop accepting and settling for less than you deserve from people who are clearly colourblind. You my friend are gold, never forget that.

You didn’t say anything

I wanted to open up to you,

I know it sounds trivial but let me explain

I wanted to let you see all of me

I lay beside you naked, vulnerable

I wanted to tell you about me.

I wanted you to look in my eyes

and I wanted you to ask me questions about my past,

my family

my fears

and everything someone with genuine interest would ask.

I wanted you to listen.

I wanted you to get to know the real me.

but instead you took advantage of me being vulnerable,

you saw me as a desire

and you looked at me in lust.

You didn’t ask about my past,

my family

or fears

you didn’t say anything,

anything at all.

 

Why can’t I forget

I still remember how you pursued me and how you convinced me that I was the first person you really had proper feelings for since your last, you told me you feared being attached but you could feel yourself falling for me. Then you disappeared for a week, I didn’t know if it was over or if I was just overthinking things. 2 weeks went and you finally reached out and told me you really cared for me but you thought I deserved more than you, that excuse has never made sense to me and it confused me more when a few weeks went and there was this new person on the scene. I just didn’t get how she deserved you more than I did? It just didn’t make sense to me, I deserved a better excuse than ‘You deserve better than me’. How do you know what I deserve? Didn’t you think I deserved to be get the effort and love back,that I gave to you. I deserved to have what i want and what I wanted was you. It may have sounded good in your head but to me it just sounded like ‘I don’t care enough to do better for you’. I deserved better than a ‘you deserve better’ excuse. I remember that day I walked away telling myself I was done I wasn’t going to chase you for anything else especially a heart I thought you had. Months went by and you messaged me, you told me how sorry you was and that you wanted to start over. I remember replying –

you cant just come back to see what you’re missing just because you miss the times I needed you to put be back together. You ruined all these parts of me and I had to put them back together and now you come back like I’m an art piece you have too see. I can’t afford to go through that again

but it was you and I don’t even know how you was able to convince me to come back, its as though I forgot how hard it was to put myself back together. I remember we argued one night and I was yelling about how quick you was too replace me. I told you I felt like I was not good enough. You responded by hugging me tight and telling me I was good enough and you pleaded me to forgive you, telling me you messed up and you was sorry. You told me about your last heartbreak and how much it killed you that you could never go through it again, you made me promise that I would never do the same to you. I promised that I wouldn’t and you knew I always kept to my word, but I should of made you promise me the same too because a months went by and things began to change again, you began to distance yourself. I told you things felt like they was changing, you told me that you didn’t want this anymore, You thought you did but you didn’t. You told me that I was a distraction at one point, but I was starting to become baggage that just began to weigh you down. Again I broke and I was left pick up all the pieces and the only one I could blame is myself.  I started to understand why you took so long to respond when I said ‘I love you’ and it began to make sense as to why you you’d sigh when I use to say little things just to gain reassurance and how fucking convenient is it that I’m the only one that can’t seem to forget it all.